Language to Enhance Relationships: Part II: Styles
Voice tone can change the meaning of a word or sentence. What seems innocent in structure may actually harbor a hidden message in tone. The other person hears and responds to a tone that you may not even be aware is there. A harsh tone hiding behind neutral words allows the speaker to deny that any damage was intended, but the sting of sarcasm, ridicule, or anger is there anyway. Much of the time people are sincere when they say they mean not to hurt. They truly cannot hear the anger or hostility. Bringing a tape recorder to the next conversation may sound a bit drastic, but that may be all it takes for someone’s tone and intention to start to converge. Ultimately, your responsibility as speaker is to admit, at least to yourself, any negative feelings. Sarcasm, ridicule and anger show up even when we try to hide them. Denial compounds the problem because the other person not only detects the tone, he or she no longer can trust the speaker’s integrity.
While saying no to a request, for example, a warm and friendly tone of voice is helpful in conveying your good intentions. Offering a reason for your decision may soften the blow and make it easier for others to understand, however, you are never obliged to give an excuse. As a matter of fact, others sometimes may hear your explanation as an opportunity to reason with you and change your mind. Stating the reason for saying no may leave you feeling generous in providing an explanation, or the opposite, resentful, as if you are asking permission. When and to whom we give reasons for saying no is determined each time by the circumstances, for example the level of intimacy and one’s personal style.
How we use our eyes is an integral part of language. Looking at the other person is a necessary part of effective communication. Some people find that they look directly at another when they are speaking but not when listening, and for some others it is the reverse. While staring is not a good idea, at least an occasional meeting of the eyes implies interest, which makes the conversation much more satisfactory. Other elements of facial expression include an occasional nod, or smile — or even a raised eyebrow. And a well placed “hmmm” always helps to show the person that you are still listening. No one wants to converse with a blank, unreadable front. Use your eyes and face to convey interest, or even disagreement, if appropriate.
Physical distance and posture also play a role in communication. Distractions such as text messages or the infamous “multi-tasking” of listening while doing something else are not credible reflections of caring or intimacy. Attention, interest, and sincerity are more convincing through face-to-face encounters. If the conversation gets heated or feels emotionally uncomfortable, an automatic and natural defense might be to turn and even take a few steps away. The dilemma here is that while you have created a zone of comfort for yourself, the message you may be conveying to the speaker is one of impatience and disinterest. If the conversation is so threatening to you that you cannot face it head on, it might be best to call a time out. The other person may need to calm down and find more non-threatening ways to engage with you, and/or you may need to take a few breaths while coming to terms with your fears. People “read” you much more than they hear you, so facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and physical positioning all need to match the words we say.
Speaking directly, instead of indirectly, means saying what you mean. An indirect style attempts to avoid conflict by avoiding the point, or using words so euphemistically that interpretation is not clear. Sometimes we are embarrassed, or scared, or we feel uncomfortable asking outright for what we want, so we drop hints instead and hope the other person comprehends. One woman reported her hurt feelings that her husband did not recognize her inner turmoil and merely accepted her response of “nothing,” when he asked if something had upset her. She believed that he should automatically realize how she felt. As well as speaking in a ‘round-about’ way, the least effective and most frustrating thing is to say nothing at all and then wait for someone to read your mind. The other person should have known, we tell ourselves. But he or she didn’t and our silence didn’t help.
Direct language, saying what you mean without subterfuge, is most effective when you already know what you want or would like to happen before you even start the conversation. Knowing ahead helps keep focus and avoid misinterpretation. Most likely, though, many conversations are not so carefully crafted in advance. Directness sometimes may require a previous awareness of the direction you want the conversation to go. Speaking directly also requires courage because there is the greater chance you will be clearly understood and the other person won’t like what is heard. Furthermore, some cultures value harmony and peaceful encounters far more than clarity that may turn out to be abrasive. In instances where cultures clash, Americans often appear rude or domineering to people with other styles of communication. Ultimately, authentic communication is culturally based: a blend of awareness of self, the other, and personal integrity.
Hidden requests are another instance of indirect communication. One example is using a statement to ask a question. A person is curious about something and says, for example, “I see you have a …” in the hope the other person will explain the presence of the object. Perhaps the speaker feels a direct question is prying or too invasive. However, the point is that he or she commented anyway, so that the curiosity is still apparent, although not so obvious. If the other person is familiar with this style, most likely an explanation will be forthcoming. But if the hidden question is not recognized both sides may leave the conversation unsatisfied, considering the other person may wonder what the speaker’s intention was in pointing out the obvious.
On the other hand, some ask a question that sounds caring, but is really a false concern covering a hidden request or demand. An example might be, “Do you feel like…?” Even though we use the word “feel,” we really aren’t asking about someone’s feelings. Another version is in the pseudo question, such as, “Why don’t you…?” This is not really even a question, but a direction that implies that there is no good reason not to do as asked. The other person complies — often begrudgingly — to the kind sounding, but empty, words. These kinds of indirect messages are called unilateral, meaning only one person gets to make all the decisions. If you are not aware of the impact of indirect language, you will probably be surprised when the other person starts to feel manipulated and becomes angry. Examples of direct language: “Here’s a way you could help me. Would you please do….?” “I’d appreciate it if you would….” “This needs to be done. Will you do it?”
In cases of choosing direct versus indirect language, there are different right ways to communicate. Language is a culture’s best attempt to come together in understanding. Social values, such as practicing kindness, demonstrating intelligence, maintaining control, respecting privacy, or honoring social position, vary from culture to culture and even family to family. Feeling honest within one’s style and yet recognizing the need for different styles in certain situations is the heart of diplomacy. If you cultivate first the notion that mutual understanding is the goal and that mistakes and misinterpretations can be corrected, the words and style you use have the best chance of shining through.