Language to Enhance Relationships: Part I: Words
Language is a powerful tool when used effectively, but, on many occasions, nothing can be more problematic than words. Once, while visiting a foreign country, I developed enough of an upset stomach to make a visit to the town’s local doctor. As the taxi driver was returning me home, I realized I didn’t clearly understand the meaning of the doctor’s words. “What did he mean,” I asked the driver, “when he said to avoid meat for the next few days – chicken, too?” “Meat is meat,” he nodded emphatically, as if he had successfully cleared up my confusion.
Most of the time we make ourselves fairly clear and most of the time we understand others fairly well. But then there are those times when we just can’t seem to get it right. For example, no matter what we say, the other person is offended, or hurt, or angry, and we are left muttering things like, “I was only trying to say…,” or, “I didn’t mean it that way.” Sometimes the reverse is true, as well. Even though the other person denies it, we know what we heard and what we heard is insulting, wounding, or maddening.
When accused that his almost constant cigar might be a phallic crutch, the famous psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, contradicted his own theory and responded, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Just as with symbols, specific words have different meanings to different people. What one person hears may not be what the other person intends. After awhile, of course, couples and close friends develop a kind of code language, and many ambiguous words or phrases are correctly understood in the context of the relationship. The word “love,” for example, has many interpretations and is often used in code. For example, when one partner spontaneously calls to the other, “I love you,” the disguised intention may be a question, such as, “Is everything all right between us?” The tone of voice and quality of the corresponding, “I love you, too,” can be a sufficient answer in itself. But even if you are familiar with the codes, sometimes it is smart to double-check just in case this is one of those times the code doesn’t apply. In general, if you note any ambiguity or are left with any doubt, ask, perhaps even probing for substitute words that will add clarity.
Some conversations are demonstrations of the old saying: “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” Words such as “if,” and “try” may be a good choice when you are unsure and want to leave an opening, as in, “If I get done on time….” or “try to arrive on time.” However, in some circumstances, they may leave you sounding weak and unreliable even to yourself. Phrases that convey personal strength include, “I will… / I plan to…/ my intention is…/ I want to…/ I’m going to…” and “when it happens…” (instead of “if it happens.”)
Some people value assertive statements, such as, “I will be there on time,” as evidence of commitment and integrity, while others may be suspicious of too confident a stance that may prove to be a false promise if unexpected circumstances interfere. From these latter types of people you might hear something closer to the old country expression, “I’ll be there if the creeks don’t rise.” Choosing the best way to express oneself is often a trial and error blend of personal style, the needs of the listener, and a mutual understanding that develops over time.
Sometimes, especially in an argument, words can loom too large, such as, “always,” or “never.” When others hear them, they usually pretty quickly can think of an exception. Then your real point gets missed in the debate about the timing and frequency of the infraction. Finding a reasonable middle between saying nothing and exaggerating can reduce a lot of unnecessary friction. A less argumentative approach might include such tempered words as, often, sometimes, frequently, infrequently, seldom, or not often. And the best approach would be to give specific examples without any vague or sweeping language at all.
We need to recognize the power or lack of power that certain words provide. When faced with the unpleasant task of having to say no to someone who is counting on a “yes,” we may try to soften the blow by diminishing our role in the ‘no,’ as in, “I wish I could, but I can’t,”. This tactic may succeed in letting you off the hook, but if used too often, you may begin to feel and look like a victim buffeted about by out of control circumstances, or that you can only avoid situations by manipulating or lying. In addition, the person with the request may begin to think of you as someone incapable of strength of will. A simple practice experiment might be to substitute any sentence where you might usually say, “I can’t,” with the stronger “I have decided not to…” or even, “I’m not going to….” just to see if you experience an internal shift in self-concept.
Another example of troublesome language is “should.” Of course, there are many valid obligations in our lives, such as childcare, or even safeguarding personal health, obligations that take on a kind of moral duty. But the word itself is the problem, not the actual obligation. When confronted with so many things a person should do, rather than wants to do, he or she may feel trapped in a bullying approach to life. If the situation in question truly warrants a call to duty and responsibility, try to break down the task into small manageable pieces and try to find something pleasant about each step. For example, you should pay rent in a timely manner. Perhaps in meeting this obligation, you can choose your favorite pen to write the check, and choose your favorite mug to sip your favorite beverage. It sounds ridiculously small, but in each step you are saying that you are in charge, and that’s empowering. When we enjoy what we do, we usually feel good about ourselves and are more likely to have successful interactions. In general, continually saying, “I should….” or “You should…” results in feeling pressured, trapped, victimized, bullied, or resentful. Making the chore or duty a choice by creating manageable small steps, or saying, “I choose to do this at this time,” results in feeling in control, empowered, at peace with the chore, confident about your ability.
Perhaps the most problematic little word is “but.” We tend to use it as a connector between a complimentary phrase and a critical one, thus canceling out the compliment, as in, “I care about you, but…” A simple solution is this: either break the connection between the two sentences altogether — first compliment, then pause, then bring up what’s bothering you — or, use the word “and” instead. “I care about you, and this is what’s bothering me,” is much more inviting and implies that what you say next is because you care, not in spite of it.
Effective language involves saying what you really mean in a way that can be heard. Let’s say you are angry, or hurt, for example, and want to share this part of yourself with your partner. Typically, we say, “You make me mad.” In other words, “you are in control of my mood.” One story tells of two associates who stop at a local newsstand every day on their way to work. The vendor is surly and irritable, but each time, the one man smiles and wishes him a pleasant day, while the other man takes on the bad attitude of the vendor. After several days the offended man questions his friend, “That guy always manages to ruin my day, why do you always treat him so nicely?” The other responds, “Why should I let him be in charge of how I feel?” When we lead with “You make me…” we have put the other person in charge. What the other person most likely hears is the blame, which feels like an attack. There is nowhere to go when blamed except to retreat, defend, and/or possibly counter attack. Taking responsibility for your own reactions would lead you to say, “I’m mad,” thus, hopefully, opening up a dialog for understanding. When you keep it personal and say, “I am (insert the feeling you want to express),” you still get to be mad or hurt, and the other person has a better chance of hearing what you have to say. Since many people view anger as a toxic substance, any amount of room to breathe is appreciated.