Giving Advice
What could be a better gift than advice? A worried and confused person tells you about a problem or a complaint. You listen until you see a solution, and then you respond with the best course of action. Your advice in response to the other person’s spoken need is timely and helpful. Or so it would seem. But often when people point to an area and say they want some changes, there is a chance that they are in the early process of thinking out loud, trying out ideas, maybe just wanting to complain a while before they actually take any action. Not that one doesn’t need or want advice — often it’s a welcome relief to a difficult predicament — but timing is the issue here.
Other than wanting your advice, there are several reasons people might tell you about their problems. They may be simply trying to make a human connection without really wanting an answer at all. Regardless of how helpless or confused people seem at these times, they may only want to hear themselves talk — not listen to anybody else’s opinion. Or, they may simply be asking for confirmation that they really do have a problem, rather than trying to solve it. Advice given too soon feels interruptive and shocking. Sometimes people even become insulted, as if you have implied that they are incapable of solving the problem on their own. Of course, there are those times when we really do think the other person is incompetent. We feel important and needed and giving advice lifts our self esteem. We like to be in control. Or, we simply want to send a message that complaining is not okay and we will put an end to it right away. Sometimes we even give advice when no one has asked for it.
So there you are, seeing the other person’s negative reaction to your advice and feeling pretty foolish for misreading the whole situation. The other person is angry, or worse yet, hurt. You were only trying to be helpful, you say to yourself. What could possibly have gone wrong? For one thing, sometimes when people complain, they secretly feel (or hope) that they are exaggerating. Your agreement that there is truly a problem and your ready solution appears to them as if you are saying you think there is indeed something wrong with them, and, furthermore, you don’t accept them the way they are. They are often shocked out of their temporary self-sorrow and downright insulted by your suggestions for change. Or the fact that you skipped a few moments of empathizing and sympathizing and jumped right into problem-solving, causes them to believe that you think of yourself as the better, smarter person. In the end, you both end up feeling attacked.
However, even though the other person may not follow your advice, the act of getting advice can be extremely helpful. Sometimes your ideas can generate other solutions that someone can customize to suit his or her style and needs. The best help, therefore, is first to ask if some ideas on your part would be welcome. For example, you might begin with, “Is this one of those times you would rather I just listen, or are you asking for my input?”
Once it is clearly established that your ideas are wanted, the next step is to offer suggestions rather than advice. Brainstorming together is a good idea when you want to avoid the “you think you are better than me” accusation. Ask questions, such as, “What do you think about this?” or “How do you think it would be for you if….?” and really listen to the answers. You will be building intimacy while solving problems at the same time.
If you sense that someone is truly not asking for an immediate piece of advice, the best thing is to ask what he or she hopes will come of the conversation. Usually people know what they want to happen before they even begin. Responses other than giving advice that may or may not be appreciated include listening without interrupting, offering sympathy (Oh, that must be so hard”), simply agreeing that there really is a problem (“No kidding, you really do have a mess on your hands”), dismissing the problem altogether (“This will look a lot better after you sleep on it”), or minimizing the problem (“It could be a lot worse…”), and empathizing (reflective listening, for example). Listening carefully first and empathizing by checking in with the person to make sure that you really understand what is being said are excellent bridges to an eventual timely offering of suggestions and advice. Once people feel heard and understood, they usually feel safe and ready to hear what you have to say.
Finally, and perhaps the most important part: One of the problems with advice is that it often produces an unspoken result. The person receiving the advice fears you will be hurt if your advice is not taken, or that if you go to the time and trouble to outline a response, you are expecting it to be followed. He or she may become angry due to the sense of obligation about following your prescription. It’s helpful in those moments if the person could say something like, “I may not end up doing this exactly, but I really appreciate what you are telling me. I will add it to all the other possibilities.” Even if the other person doesn’t actually make such a statement, you are wise to “hear” him or her saying it in your head, and for you to say the equivalent out loud as a reminder to you both.
No matter how perceptive and insightful your suggestions are, you can be most helpful when you are prepared that ultimately they may be completely disregarded, or only halfheartedly tried, or only partially taken. In the moment, the person may feel relief and gratitude to be presented with such a practical solution, only to later “forget,” or discover he or she simply is not ready to follow through. The other person’s achievement or lack of success is no reflection on you or your good advice. You are merely a signpost on the road, or maybe the current mode of transportation – the responsibility and motivation for problem solving lies within the person.