Clarity
Some people believe so strongly in what they are saying, they feel they have not been truly heard until the listener agrees with them. In order to maintain his or her stance, the speaker listens to the other perspective only to collect information to counter. Eventually the conversation turns to argument or unfriendly impasse. While the goal of convincing others can be a worthy one in some circumstances, it need not be the only way to express oneself. When we are understood, even if other people don’t agree with what they are hearing, we have the satisfaction of knowing that we have clearly communicated and have been clearly heard.
Surprisingly, clear and effective communication is made up of just a few simple parts. Sometimes all the parts must be in use in order to make the communication work, sometimes only a few are needed, and sometimes all are used but spread over several conversations. Ultimately, however, it is the combination of the parts that makes the communication work so well, not just good intentions, or well chosen words. Of course, when things are going well and you want to communicate happiness or love, maybe only a look or a brief expression is needed. The method described below is used for the more difficult times, for example when you need to tell others about behaviors of theirs that really bother you.
The first step is to be sure you are describing what you think are the facts of the situation. There will plenty of room later in the conversation for your opinions, interpretation, and evaluation. Facts are straightforward, concrete events that you have observed, without any interjection of what you think those facts mean, what the motives of the other person might be, or whether you think they are right or wrong. Remember to keep your voice tone and body language as neutral or non-judgmental as possible. Examples of factual communication: “You said you would be here by 9:00 and instead it’s 9:45.” “When you talk to me your voice gets louder and louder.” “I was talking to you and you walked out of the room without saying anything.”
By stating the facts so specifically, you are making sure the other person knows exactly what you are talking about. Imagine if someone told you there were strange noises in the house. Vague words like “strange” are a clue, but simply do not give you enough information. Factual language will help you know whether to check for leaky pipes, call an exterminator, or call the police. Conversely, when others approach you with something bothering them, it is fair to gently stop the flow and ask first for specifics so that you are sure you understand their references exactly. Sometimes, the mere act of pointing out the troubling behavior is enough to change the situation, although this is not often the case.
The second step, once you are sure the other person understands you, is to explain why this situation is a problem. Chances are the other person is truly not aware that what he or she is doing is troublesome. At this point you may want to add your feelings and/or interpretation of the other person’s motives or behavior if your perception is part of what’s bothering you. Since this person is not an enemy, but part of a relationship both of you have chosen, there is a good chance that once the problem is explained, the situation can be modified to everyone’s satisfaction. On the other hand, your interpretation may only be one of many possibilities and at this point the other person can alert you to an alternative version, which may be much more innocent or well-intended than you imagined. In either case — whether you relax in the discovery that you had misinterpreted, or, others awaken to the negative effect of their behavior — often these two simple parts, being factually specific and explaining why there is a problem, are all that are needed to begin the process of change. Examples of explaining why the situation or behavior is a problem: “Everyone’s schedule is disrupted when you are later than expected.” “I can’t hear what you are trying to tell me when I feel that you are yelling at me.” “I’m hurt to think that you would walk away without hearing what I have to say.”
On the other hand, sometimes the problem is not solved so neatly and a few more steps are needed. At this point, state as clearly as possible what you want to happen next. Next may be something as simple as an agreement to continue talking at another time, or as firm as a request for change. Depending on the circumstances, when you request change it is usually good to also tell what you hope to see, or how you wish the other person to proceed. Others, in turn, can then agree or let you know what they are willing or not willing to do. The point here is that you are engaged in negotiations rather than making demands. Examples of stating what you want to happen next: “If you can’t arrive on time, will you call me and let me know?” “When your voice starts to get louder, I would like to touch your arm or make a signal between us to help you remember to keep it down.” “If you need to walk away when I am talking, would you just say something to let me know how you feel about what I just said?”
At this point it is important to ask for feedback, unless, of course, the other person has already demonstrated that they clearly understand what you are saying. Many times we believe that others understand, only to later discover that they were confused about the message. Asking for feedback is not simply saying, “Do you understand?” or “Do you know what I mean?” Both questions only require a “yes or no.” If you are lucky enough to get a “no,” you can explain further or ask what part wasn’t clear. However, many people answer “yes” because they either think they understand when actually they don’t, or they are too embarrassed, intimidated, or indifferent to go any further with the conversation. The smart thing to do is to ask the person to tell you what he or she thinks you said, or to ask a question that requires a more in-depth answer. Examples of asking for feedback: “So how soon before you come do you think you can let me know you’ll be late?” “Just to be sure, what do you think I meant when I said that your voice tone upsets me?” “I need to know that I haven’t just forced an agreement on both of us. What do you think you just agreed to?”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this were the end of the problem? People who have developed the spirit of cooperation often find that from here they are well on their way to not only solving the problem but also favorably changing conditions for future encounters. But sometimes even this is not enough. If your agreements are not met or if reasonable changes do not occur after a reasonable period of time — which is determined by the nature of the particular problem or issue — then you may have to repeat the above steps. There may be lots of reasons for people not following through, such as forgetting, losing track of time, getting confused, or thinking they have actually fulfilled their half of the agreement. Of course, there is also the unsettling possibility that they made an agreement they had no intention of keeping, but you won’t know this until you double check. Example of double-checking: “Remember that talk we had last week? What was your understanding about our agreement?”
By now intimacy is flowing even if nothing else has changed. Sometimes the very thing that was bothering us melts away as the conversation about it starts to flow. But sometimes not. When nothing seems to be changing even after numerous conversations, there is one final step. Ask yourself, what happens now, what will I do next, how will I end up feeling? Then explain the events that probably will follow if the situation continues to remain unchecked. Sometimes people act out of habit and fail to see any harm in doing what they’ve always done. But when the potentially dangerous or negative consequences of things not changing are clearly spelled out, people often get the full picture and work for mutually happier conditions. As long as your statement of possible consequences is not a threat, demand, or ultimatum, it is also a way of educating the other person as to who you are and how you react. Examples of explaining the consequences: “If you haven’t called and you’re late, I’ll figure you’re not coming after 20 minutes and I’ll leave. We can reschedule later.” “It’s not good for us to continue talking when we are yelling, so if either one of us is too upset to calm down, we’ll call a time-out and pick it up again when we are calmer. I’ll check in with you after about half an hour and see if we want to continue our talk.” “If you walk away without giving me a signal that everything is OK, I’ll figure that you are upset. It will be hard to do, but I’ll wait until you tell me you are ready to talk.”
Clarity in Communication
1. Describe the facts of the situation: Not opinions, evaluations, judgements of right or wrong. Keep voice and body neutral, non-judgemental, non-threatening.
2. Explain why this situation is a problem: OK to add your feelings and interpretation of the situation. Be open to hearing alternative interpretations.
3. State what you want to happen next: Listen to the other person’s wishes also.
4. Ask for feedback: Don’t say, “do you understand or do you know what I mean?” Ask the other person to explain what was heard.
5. Repeat previous steps as needed: Look for and honor small increments of change.
6. Explain potential consequences: Avoid threats, demands, ultimatums. Be able and willing to follow through if necessary.