Constructive Arguments
You know those old jokes about good news/bad news? The bad news is there will be problems as we go along in our relationships, except now, believe it or not, the bad news becomes good. Quality, intimacy, and endurance are not built in spite of problems, but because of them. It’s during the bad times that we demonstrate our commitments, find ways to hold each other close, and hopefully grow up together into bigger people than before. So when arguments arise, as they surely will if you are paying attention even a little, you can think of them as windows of opportunity.
Recognizing disagreements or arguments as positive allows you to bring up issues often, before they grow unwieldy and out of control. Freedom to say everything that’s on your mind evolves from two important sources. First, you are free to speak because you trust that the other person is following the same guidelines of cooperation, communication, and a willingness to listen. Second, you are free to speak because you trust you will not confuse your message with blame, meanness, or manipulation. If you have been following these basics so far, then you are well on your way. It is as if together you are watching the hurricane from our window, knowing that the storm will pass over soon enough.
Think of an argument as the fine tuning of a relationship, the maintenance and repairs. The question now becomes how to conduct the argument. You may not have much control over each other’s thoughts, feelings, and churning emotions, however there are some simple and timely things you can control.
For one, don’t attempt a serious talk on an empty stomach. If you are well fed and physically comfortable, you will be much more inclined to carry the good physical feelings into your emotions as well. The same is true for feeling rested. Fatigue, as with hunger, can make everything seem more intense. Also, choose the time of day so that there will be no, or few, interruptions, and no other appointments to call you away. The amount of outside distractions and noise is easily controlled by turning off phones, radios, and TVs. Finally, if the argument splays out over a long or tiring period of time, agree to stop and set a date and time to pick it up again when rested.
Some other tips to remember include keeping your focus on behavioral issues rather than personality and attitudes. Address specific behaviors and let go of trying to read or control other people’s minds. A constructive argument might sound like this: “I need you to stop leaving your clothes wherever you drop them,” and not, “You think I’m your maid. You are so lazy.”
Also, keep your issues current, as much in the present moment as possible. While it may be necessary from time to time to bring in brief examples or points of reference, past issues that already have been settled need to be referred to sparingly and with great caution, and never as an excuse to slip in more than one complaint at a time. Also stay current by keeping things directly related to your own experience. Don’t bring in others’ opinions as back up if those people are not present in the room. But, equally true: Anything that happened in the past but still feels unresolved and bothersome, is current deserving of its own discussion time because your feelings about that issue are still thriving.
Once you have established that you are looking for solutions rather than someone to blame, a fun thing to do is to brainstorm possibilities together. Allow yourselves to be architects of the fantastic as well as the practical. In brainstorming, there are some basic ground rules, and after that anything goes. Rule number one is that no one can ridicule or criticize what anyone else says. Rule number two is that no one is expected to stand by or defend his or her idea — it’s all just play at this point. Number three rule, at the end of the brainstorm, is that everyone agrees before an idea is discarded. The startling revelation here is that people can laugh and have a good time right in the middle of an argument.
But, if anger escalates agree to take formal breaks. Breaks or time-outs are orderly in that they are set up by previous agreement, purposeful rather than just slamming a door on the way out, and brief. Before the discussion ever starts, in some neutral time, develop a code or signal to use during the argument to indicate that you will be taking a time out. Agree during this planning stage that whoever uses the signal will be allowed to leave without resistance or questions asked and will return after a specific cooling off time. At the designated time he or she will return for a check-in to see if more time is needed, if a later appointment should be made, or if it’s OK to continue right now. General rules for taking breaks: Set up previously your definition of what is a time-out and ground rules. Agree on a gesture or verbal signal. Make no resistance about the break. Return at designated time. Resume or make another date.
Most of us have heard warnings about using withdrawal as a method of escape, but there is an important point to remember about the kind of retreat we are talking about here. Withdrawal as outlined above is a fair and reasonable thing to do in the same way you would stop your car if it became overheated. Agreed upon withdrawal is different than withholding. Withholding is impenetrable and secretive. When people practice withholding, they are closing themselves off and expecting others to learn the lock’s combination through guilt and manipulation. Withholding is neither constructive nor loving. Instead, it falls under the category of defensive reacting in that it takes care of one individual at the expense of the relationship.
Really, the best way to learn how to avoid using withholding, is to have it done to you. Once a person experiences how lonely and hurtful it feels, he or she will not want to use it on someone they love. Extricating oneself from this bad habit is not as hard as it might appear when everyone agrees to work on the problem as a team. Withholding is negative, spiteful, and a play for power. Withdrawing is used carefully with the positive purpose to refresh and regain balance.
Finally, put things in writing. By writing down issues and solutions you are creating a clear reminder. You are also creating the spirit of a contract, which solidifies your on-going commitment to a quality relationship. Finally, you are creating a kind of relationship journal that you can refer to from time to time to congratulate yourselves about those areas where you have progressed and to check on those that seem to be going in circles.
In review, here are the steps in constructing arguments with positive outcomes:
1. CREATE POSITIVE PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
Unplug phones, radios, TV, computers.
Choose a time of day with few interruptions.
Make sure you are well fed, physically comfortable, rested.
When fatigue occurs, set a date and resume later.
2. CREATE POSITIVE EMOTIONAL CONDITIONS
Talk about behaviors, not personalities.
Stay current in your feelings.
Only one complaint at a time.
Make personal statements, not blaming ones.
Don’t bring in “others” who are not present.
3. CREATE POSITIVE BEHAVIORAL APPROACHES
Brainstorm without criticism
Take agreed upon breaks as needed
Resume at a designated time
Write Down Issues and Solutions