Choices And Decisions, Part I
The Lovin’ Spoonful song says: “Did you ever have to make up your mind? Pick up on one and leave the other behind? It’s not often easy and not often kind. Did you ever have to make up your mind? Did you ever have to finally decide? Say yes to one and let the other one ride? There’s so many changes and tears you must hide. Did you ever have to finally decide?”
Every now and then we have to make choices that ignore the wishes of someone else. Sometimes this single-minded decision can look selfish and stubborn. A choice has to be made and the decision on which way to turn will benefit only one of the people involved. Any number of examples can come to mind, such as choosing from something expensive and one-of-a-kind like a vacation spot, to everyday kinds of arguments like what movie to see, or what to make for dinner. Perhaps there is a moral dilemma involved, such as choosing a path of questionable ethics, or one that looks desirable but goes against your previous ideas of right and wrong. The overriding issue in the scenario is that someone else, or maybe your own inner voice, holds different values, or has different desires that will be met or not through your decision. You are feeling the weight of making the right choice.
How can we choose for ourselves without feeling guilty and selfish? How can we gracefully let go of our independent wishes, and when should we cling with all our might? How can we make a choice between two or more equally important directions? How can we continue to give service to another without sacrificing our own desires? These are the kinds of questions that many good hearts face on occasion. The decisions and choices you make may vary from time to time and may even seem inconsistent as you try to find balance in each design. The point here is that, depending on your choice, you may have to act in opposition to someone else. When this occurs, a basic guideline is to try to avoid making a snap decision. “That is a good question; let me think about it,” is the most prudent answer when confronted with something momentous. Slow down and look at the scene from every angle. In the end, even if you don’t change your mind or your course of action, you will at least feel more confident knowing that you have mulled over several perspectives. How to do that mulling without getting tangled in a net of cross purposes is a skill that can be practiced and learned.
Here is one skill-building idea* in grappling with choices and decisions that are in opposition to those around you:
Imagine a room that holds the heart of your problem. A scroll, or notebook, or piece of paper sits in the center of the room where you record the problem – briefly and only the problem, such as, vacation in Hawaii or pay down the Visa bill
Next, imagine there are several comfortable chairs or large pillows tossed about the room. Each represents a particular overall position of the argument or debate. The point will be to inspect the problem from each position. You can do the following in your mind, or, even better, physically move from seat to seat as you sit through the following positions. You may even want to take one perspective each day and really immerse yourself in it, writing in a journal and/or drawing your responses in picture or symbol form.
The first seat holds the position that says, “I’m right, you’re wrong.” This is probably the easiest to sit through since most of us take this position, anyway, or there wouldn’t be much of an argument. List all the reasons you believe you are right and the other person is wrong. In some cases, you may feel both sides hold value and you want both but can only choose one, (or don’t want either but must choose one of the two.) When this division occurs, simply pick one side to start. Later you will have the same opportunity to explore the other side. Since this is a private exercise that only you will see, be sure to include even those reasons you may think of as childish or foolish. Don’t leave this position until you are sure you’ve covered every aspect. Recording your ideas will help keep everything organized and is a good way to slow down the process.
The next position is opposite to the first one, in which you are wrong and the other person is right (or in which you have simply stepped to the other side of the argument.) Give it the same depth, which may mean an even longer period of time to adjust to this abhorrent idea. Remember to record even the craziest sounding parts to the argument, or the most selfish sounding, for example, “I deserve this no matter what.” By being willing to state even the most unconventional ideas without criticism or negative judgments – remember this exercise is for your eyes only – you will free your mind to offer up the deeper aspects hidden even from you.
Next, repeat the process as this time you think of all aspects that make both sides right, even if only in part. Finally, spend time with the reverse, those parts that make both sides wrong. You’ve already worked out the rights and wrongs above, so ideas will be at hand for both these seats, however these last two positions are asking for something more. This is the opportunity to ease out of the rigid stance that says there is only one right answer. More so, you can begin here to see that choosing one position does not mean the opposite one is wrong. After a person sits in these two seats, he or she may be able to choose more confidently precisely because he/she will see the value in the other side as well, and be better able to offer compassion and kindness as the decision is made.
Several things may happen in this exercise. The other person’s position may make more sense to you, your own position may become firmer and clearer, or you may see a middle way you had overlooked before. If none of that happens, there is a final seat, reserved for special occasions, a philosophy that ultimately whatever decision you make really doesn’t matter. Granted, some lessons are more humbling than others, but you are bound to learn something no matter where you land. If you get to this stage, you may find that a lot of what previously seemed like a burning issue is really not so great a bonfire after all. Hopefully, you will discover what a solid and meaningful decision feels like.