Blame
Many of us on occasion slip into a blaming mode and comfort ourselves by nursing our wounds through blaming another. However, the person who consistently practices spewing their negative emotions and who feels entitled to do so, will probably need outside help to begin to unravel what is, in essence, a lifestyle. Transferring one’s own pain to someone else can do terrible damage to a relationship. We justify ourselves by saying that we are, after all, expressing our feelings. And we feel vindicated because we often feel better temporarily once a target is found. Feeling better after a rampage reinforces that the blame is well placed. But, when we begin to see connecting links, such as lack of nutrition or sleep, or feelings of defeat, for example, we can begin to let go of the idea that the problem is with the other person. The person on the receiving end may be an innocent bystander, or, that person may have helped create an event, perhaps a troublesome one which needs to be addressed, but, in both cases, the problem of blame and hostility lies within.
Paradoxically, blaming stems from a feeling of fear. The blaming person feels afraid of being seen as wrong for having anger or rage and quickly tries to change the focus of attention. Blaming may be for as simple a reason as not knowing any other way to approach the problem. Or, we may tell ourselves that we feel relieved to have gotten things off our chest and, after all, we are entitled to express emotions any way they come out. When you blame, accuse, attack, and generally expect the other person to do something to fix your feelings, you have created an emotional dumping ground. You may end up with the appearance of innocence, but your disguise is at the other person’s expense.
In talking about your negative feelings through a compassionate filter, with the intention of remaining kind and open, you can feel free to include how you would like to see things change or evolve. If you feel resentment, anger, or a desire to blame, which would be understandable in many cases, those feelings can be expressed in the same direct way, with full ownership. The difference in the direct method is that you are no longer accusing or blaming the other person, but acknowledging your feelings of blame. Instead of, “You are the reason we’re in this mess,” the statement might become, “I’m so angry I can’t help but feel like blaming you for everything.” Then, anger or hurt correctly become the issue, and not outside events.