Feelings Part III: Timing
There are several factors to consider when determining if now is an appropriate time to move the conversation to a deeper level. Some people won’t need to hear your feelings in order to better understand what you are saying. In business encounters, for example, emotional sharing is usually not appropriate. Even if you feel you need to share, there won’t be much of a point to it if the other person is not receptive to hearing. Secondly, safety is important. Sharing emotions can leave one feeling vulnerable and exposed. If you sense you are in a hostile environment and what you say may be used against you, it doesn’t make sense to proceed anyway. Thirdly, your own level of confidence comes into play. While you need not be completely self-assured, you need to know that you can take care of yourself if your sharing does not go over well. Finally, you will want to assess your motivation in telling your deeper feelings. Important reasons to share emotions include a sense of needing to bring your feelings into the light, a desire to let others know, a yearning to open up, and a wish to further intimacy. Dangerous reasons include a desire to use feelings as a manipulative tool. Or, you may be hoping that in hearing your feelings someone will rescue you or make you feel better, saving you from doing your own hard work. Of course, telling how we feel and having someone respond with kindness often does make us feel better. The danger lies in holding expectations about how others are supposed to respond.
Some things to consider, when jumping into an emotionally based conversation: Does the listener need or want to hear deeper feelings in order to further understand? Does it feel safe enough for you to put yourself in a vulnerable position? Do you presently feel strong enough to take care of yourself if the conversation doesn’t go well? A ‘no’ answer to any of these questions does not necessarily mean you cannot express your inner self, but it may mean you need to consider time and place, and have several contingency strategies ready, such as “if this happens, then I will respond this way…” Reason within yourself, “What are the possible results if I express myself directly?” and then imagine all the ways you will handle the worst and not-so-bad contingencies.
Furthermore, what are your reasons for sharing your feelings? Are you doing so because you want to or only because you think you should? Doing anything only because we think we ‘should,’ may invite additional problems because we are merely obeying some outside mandate and not fully committed to the plan. Perhaps you hear yourself finding good reasons not to want to directly express your feelings, such as knowing the other person will be hurt, or that you are using your emotions as a manipulative weapon. Listen to all your reasons for remaining silent at any given time and treat them as respectfully as you would if they were coming from a beloved friend. There will be times when the wisest course may be to remain silent. The key here is not so much that you decide, consciously, to withhold a statement of feeling, but that you are clear with yourself as to your motives in both sharing and withholding. Once you see that withholding by inner force can mean a build up of resentment, the issue no longer becomes one of telling or not telling, but rather one of timing.