Feelings Part II: How Feelings Work
Once we understand what feelings are, the next step is to understand how they work. Sometimes we don’t recognize our feelings at all even though most people would agree that feelings are inevitable given the particular situation. We tend to say, “Oh that? That doesn’t bother me.” or “To be honest, I don’t know how I feel.” Sometimes this inability to get in touch with any feelings about a situation comes in times of trouble or tragedy and means that we have successfully blocked something too painful to face. The advantage is that we have created a protective zone. The disadvantage is that as long as the protective zone exists, we are insulated from all feelings, so that joy and happiness make little headway, too. On a short-term basis, insulating numbness works very well, such as in protecting us from the initial shock of grief. In the long-term, however, excessive insulation creates real problems. When we allow ourselves to remain unaware of our emotional reactions, we eventually become numb to all but the most superficial emotions.
One safe way to begin getting in touch with rigid insulation is to practice giving yourself small things that you know you want. For example, read books or watch movies that are enjoyable and then stop reading or watching as soon as you no longer feel interested. What you will be saying to yourself is that your feelings really do count. Even though the exercise may seem insignificant and meaningless, soon enough the feeling part of your life will begin to recognize that it can get what it wants and needs. You will be cooperating with yourself. Gradually, more and more requests and feelings will surface. Your job at that point is to understand that acknowledging your feelings doesn’t necessarily mean you must change anything, but that you may make changes if you want. Another way to begin to get in touch with feelings is to ask others whom you trust to tell you how they think most people would feel in circumstances similar to yours. If you suspect that you are out of touch, start with an inner conversation in which you say, “Here is an example of where I believe feelings are appropriate and yet I’m not experiencing them. I wonder what it would be like for me to feel….” Imagine how someone with those feelings would react. As ideas about come to mind, your feelings eventually will begin to surface.
In another way of dealing with feelings, we know we have them and we know what they entail, however, we don’t allow ourselves to experience them. We tell ourselves, “This is petty. I shouldn’t let this bother me,” or “I’m bigger than this. I’m not going to let this get me down.” We don’t want to appear picky, or cause hurt over small matters — a noble idea when it works and a disaster when it doesn’t. Anger and resentment can build up. When something troubling is significant enough to linger in your mind, it is dishonest to treat it as if it is unimportant. If the issue were truly insignificant, you would not have felt annoyance or hurt in the first place. On the other hand, refusing to dwell on feelings that appear either trivial or unfounded is another way of saying that you are trying to let go of the problem. To truly let go means that if a similar situation occurs again, you will react as if it is the first time, with no left over hidden resentments. Usually, the only way you can learn if letting go is possible is through trial and error. The first few times you tell yourself, “Don’t sweat the small stuff. This is nothing,” you may truly believe that you are finished, only later to see anger bubbling up when you least expect it. After a few times of observing when letting go works and when it doesn’t, you will be able to tell when refusing to dwell on negative feelings is a genuine aid and when it’s ineffective.
If you are a person who feels unable to express your feelings, be assured that with dedicated practice a healthy expression of feelings is a skill that everyone can learn.