Feelings Part I: Feelings versus Opinions
A sweet couple I once knew told me about how well they got along. “Every morning when we wake up we tell each other about the dreams we had during the night. And what our plans are for that day. And evenings we tell each other how our day went. We really communicate.” Later, when they were breaking up, each blamed communication – the lack of – for the problem. They discovered that it is easy to share joyful thoughts with another person, but they had no skills in sharing negative feelings. They passed the what-I-like-about-you test, but failed the more crucial one: “What troubles me about you…” While sharing private thoughts may be difficult at times, sharing negative feelings is often the hardest thing to do.
First of all, many people confuse attitudes and opinions with feelings. The language of feelings involves short words, such as ‘happy, sad, excited, angry, or afraid.’ Expressions of feelings come out in very short sentences, and they start with “I,” as in “I am upset,” not with “you,” as in “you are a jerk.” When you hear yourself go beyond “I am sad, angry, etc.” and move into longer sentences that involve explaining, you can correctly assume that you have moved out of emotions and into an analytical or intellectual mode. Explanations are valid, of course, but when they come too fast, attached to what was meant to be a moment of self-revelation, they become a distraction. We switch to a rationalizing mode as a way to protect those tender, vulnerable, hurting feelings, to avoid feeling even more pain by talking about them.
Attitudes and thoughts are often disguised as feelings, as in, “that person is boring, that’s just the way I feel about it.” Sometimes an attitude or opinion posing as a feeling comes across sounding like an accusation, as if something outside of us is responsible for how we end up feeling. Instead of saying, “I feel rejected, or lonely, or bored,” we avoid talking about ourselves altogether and just dwell on trying to change the people or things around us. We say, “You’re nuts,” when what we mean is, “I’m angry.” “You are rude,” becomes shorthand for “I’m insulted or hurt.” When others respond as if they have been attacked, which is how people often feel after being told something is wrong with them, we can conveniently reply, “Why are you so angry? I’m just telling you how I feel.”
Talking about the other person or citing an outside cause is valid if clearly labeled as personal opinion, such as, “I know you enjoy that kind of movie, but, personally, I find it boring.” But even with such careful attention, the other person may receive your comment as an attack: Clearly, he or she does not have any taste or intelligence when it comes to art. Of course you have a right to your opinion, and there is nothing wrong with sharing your thoughts on any subject. The issue is not about those rights, it’s about sorting out the confusion that comes when opinions are used as a mask for unexpressed feelings. Opinions are nothing more than a false front when used to cover up deeper feelings. Consider the comment made by a spouse, “You watch too much TV.” The watcher might retort, “It’s my business how much TV I watch,” causing a standoff if not a full argument. A more personal comment by the spouse might have been, “I feel lonely and neglected,” providing a better opportunity for some positive response to occur. Perhaps the most important distinction between feelings and opinions is the shift from heart to head. Offering opinions, when you know there are deeper feelings that need to be said, is avoidance. Opinions, ideas, and thoughts are necessary in good communication, especially to plan a new course of action. But knowing the difference is important in getting the whole picture.
This is precisely where personal statements, such as, “I am hurt,” can be practiced and blaming statements such as, “You are my problem,” need to be avoided. It takes practice and concentration to keep wounded or angry feelings from turning mean or hurtful. The process of making short, personal statements about feelings may seem awkward at first, but if you remind yourself and the other person that this is a temporary solution to help you learn to relax and eliminate blame from your vocabulary, the awkwardness will seem no worse than the studied, sometimes clumsy way we approach learning any new skill.