Conversations with Nana

Imagine you and your partner are decorating a room in your house and trying to determine just where to hang a large framed picture. Part of the fun is trying out different views, getting feedback, and deciding together. There is not much enjoyment in the other person merely saying, “Hang it there.” Together, you ask each other, “What do you think about this arrangement?” and while one holds the picture in place, the other steps back to look. “A little more to the left, and down,” you say. “Like this?” “Almost. Just a little more to the right this time.” And so it goes. Each one reflects what the other has said, checks to be sure, and then assesses the overall effect. Listening and responding in this way is an extraordinary tool for furthering relationship and intimacy because you are working together and accurately building on each other’s views.

The actual skill of effective listening has four simple parts. First, there is a spirit in the listener of remaining non-judgmental. No matter what you hear, try to understand it without condemning it. When you negatively judge another, the other person feels attacked and usually becomes defensive. Defensiveness means withdrawal, and withdrawal means we can no longer hear what the other person has to say when it’s his or her turn to respond. You are merely receiving information, the same way you would learn without negativity about all the various trails on a hike. An example of a non-judgmental response to shocking information might be something like, “This sounds difficult for you,” or, “I can see why you are upset.”

Second, understanding does not mean agreeing or approving. Even if you do approve, listening as a way to improve relations works best when neutral. Approval is such a tricky device. Praise and approval might feel calming in the moment, but they eventually can feel conditional and even scary to someone who is experiencing doubt. In your bestowing approval instead of just listening, an insecure person can be left with the haunting possibility that, as you approve, there will also times when you disapprove. Eventually, you will get to have your chance to respond, so for now don’t take sides for or against. Example of a neutral response: “It’s hard for me not to have an opinion here, but it’s your story, not mine, and whether or not I approve is not important.” Or, if you feel strongly that you have to agree or disagree, you might say something like, “I have some ideas about this but for now I just want to hear all of what you want to say. If you want my opinion, ask me afterward.”

Third, questions are for clarification not interrogation. Have you ever heard someone say, “Why did you do that?” and you knew they were not asking a question at all, but really saying, “You shouldn’t have done that”? Be sure that if you ask a question you are really asking something and not slipping in a statement or a demand in question form. The true spirit of questioning means you are trying to understand all the steps in the other person’s thinking and behaving. For example, you might ask, “How is it that you decided to do it that way?” This version may seem the same as the “why” question above, but in fact it sounds less threatening and more sincere. Once again, understanding is the goal.

Finally, fourth, listening for understanding includes a summing up or a subtle paraphrasing. Sometimes this means going just a step further than the speaker, and guessing a deeper meaning behind the words. If you guess correctly, the speaker feels honored, relieved, and trusting that you really do understand. If you are incorrect, and if you haven’t made too big of an assumption, the speaker will probably realize that you are trying to understand, and can elaborate further and clarify the meaning for both of you. Examples of paraphrasing might include, “It seems you are saying,” “Let me make sure I get this, you are saying…”

The attitude behind listening well includes one of wanting to help the other person clarify his or her best course. When others need validation for their feelings, or struggle with self-understanding or decision-making, or need help in expressing their thoughts and feelings, this kind of listening is a gentle aid. It helps people hear themselves and thus provides a self-correcting mechanism. Even when we are out of touch with our own answers, they are still there waiting to be tapped. When another person listens well, repeats back to us what we are saying, and generally encourages us to keep talking, something eventually resonates within. At that moment, we feel empowered, and grateful to the friend who so graciously allowed us some talking space. The interesting paradox about listening well is that after, the other person, who now feels accepted, safe, relaxed, and open, is usually very receptive to hearing what you also have to say. Now you can take sides, approve or disapprove, agree or disagree, or even offer a negative opinion without causing damage. Once people believe that they are truly understood, they are much more willing to hear another point of view.

On the other hand, there are occasions when listening this way simply is not the right approach. The kind of listening we have been talking about is designed for drawing out other people. But, there will be times when you think the other person has been drawn out a little too much already and it’s time for the communication to become more of a two-way affair. Or you may sometimes want to share your own viewpoint right away, without listening first. There will also be those occasions when you are just too tired or preoccupied to listen or when you are unable to be accepting, so that any attempt would just sound like an insincere gimmick. At such times it is better to just say that you are not able to listen now and then plan together a better time.

Also, you may sometimes realize that you are only listening to avoid having to talk about yourself or take a stand. Nothing is more disturbing to a person than to reveal highly personal thoughts and stories, and then get nothing personal in return. If you find yourself in any of these situations, it’s probably better not to try to listen in this four-part way. To draw another out only to offer a blank wall in return may feel like a betrayal. The key is to try to match the other person’s approach, maybe even asking at the beginning, “Is this a time you just want me to listen, or are you asking for my opinion?”

The dictionary defines ‘need’ as something required because it is essential, a basic necessity such as food, or anything else necessary to live a healthy life. In the best of worlds a person should not have to bargain for needs. In comparison, for the discussion below, something we ‘want’ out of pleasure or desire is not a life sustaining necessity. As the old song puts it, “the object of my affection” may be emotionally sustaining and thus life enhancing, but by definition the certainty and timing of its arrival and the level of achievement can be variable, maybe even a far-fetched dream.

Most of us enjoy getting what we want. But sometimes what we want is not the same as what other people want. When desires are at odds we may think that in all fairness we have to compromise. We each give up something in order to create a middle ground where at least some part of the wish list is realized. Sometimes compromises work because we realize that at least we are getting some approximation, but many times they just end up with no one feeling fully satisfied. Negotiation, on the other hand, is a dialog that considers all sides and keeps going until everyone feels satisfied. As you can probably guess, this is not necessarily a fast process. When quick decisions need to be made, such as in emergencies or by deadline, negotiation just won’t work as well as unilateral decision-making. Someone has to take control and literally steer in one direction or another. But some people get hooked on this kind of decision-making and don’t want to give it up when the emergency has passed. When others seem reluctant to fall into line, people who like to control often retaliate with statements such as, “You have a problem,” or “My way or the highway,” in order to win the round. Negotiators, on the other hand, look at the situation from everyone’s angle. In other words, “We have an issue at hand; let’s look at all the possibilities.”

Imagine that you are trying to make an important decision with a friend or immediate family about something that concerns each person. In a negotiation, everyone involved first analyzes the situation according to his or her own perception. Advantages and disadvantages, and costs and conveniences are considered, including finances and such intangibles as time, emotions, or privacy, for example. Each person makes a clear, direct statement about what he or she wants and how to go about getting it. But unlike a demand, everyone is offering information for discussion, seeking a better understanding. Ultimately, you still may not get your exact wish, but you will at least know that your ideas were clearly heard and considered.

So far in this negotiation scenario everyone is polite and cooperative. What is missing, of course, are the scenes of frustration, feelings of deprivation and betrayal, even distain and loneliness over the gaps between various desires. In order to end up in a true negotiation, hidden yet active attitudes and emotions must be addressed openly, and that takes time and patience. Some negotiations eventually account for each person’s desire, while others operate on the understanding that one person’s wishes will be met this time and the other person’s next time. In other words, the spirit of negotiation is that each person comes away satisfied at some point now or in the near future.

Imagine finding a way to meet halfway. This is not the same as the meeting halfway that means compromise. You each still have your own ideas, which still may be at odds. However, now, instead of declaring what you each want, you are asking each other to help in getting needs met. Nothing has changed, really. You still each want what you want. But now you are engaged in a spirit of helping each other accomplish those wants. Most people want to be helpful and find it much easier to support your point of view from this mutually beneficial position. If nothing else, at least your attitudes are softer and aligned. Often from this position, one or the other may conclude that he or she can step back this time, seeing how important this issue is to the other person. You both have the satisfaction of knowing that one of you has what he or she really wants, and that the other’s wishes will be equally considered on other occasions.

Imagine that you are no longer taking opposite stances at all. This is yet another version of negotiation, this time facing issues as a team rather than as individuals or opponents. Language changes from “I” and “you” to “we,” as in, “How shall we handle this situation?” Perhaps this sounds deceptively the same as the previous style of meeting halfway. However there is an important difference. The crucial point here is that no one claims ownership of any of the ideas, wants, or needs. Rather than “I want…” the team approaches each issue and claims it together. Of course, there will always be times when you independently want something and this style of negotiation would only sound like false pretense. In those cases, you can return to assertive or mutually helping styles. But, in cooperative relationships there will also be times when sharing in partnership becomes more important than holding on to one’s personal wants. This kind of sharing greatly enhances intimacy.