Conversations with Nana

Creating a lively and satisfying relationship requires cultivating cooperation, communication, respect, and love in the same way you cultivate a garden — carefully, patiently, and with considerable effort at times. Gardens keep calling us back because they are beautiful, but also because they keep changing — growing wildly at times. They make us pay attention the same way a lively romance does. Keeping your relationship feeling fresh and colorful is a highly individual endeavor and the methods you use will need changing and revitalizing from time to time.

One of the most straightforward ways to change the pace of everyday life is to literally change the scene through a holiday or vacation. Sometimes, believe it or not, the vacation may even be one away from each other. Both vacations together and apart can be nourishing depending on timing and the individuals involved. A mini vacation might be as simple as a drive in the country, dinner out at a new or favorite restaurant, or maybe a picnic with real dishes, glasses, silverware, and cloth napkins. While for some people the cost of the event may play a part in what makes it special, the actual effort expended, such as preparing a special dinner at home, perhaps with a decorated theme, may be the real gift for some.

Another successful behavior is to give a gift from time to time for no particular reason. Gifts can be wrapped or unwrapped, expensive or not, practical or useless, meaningful or just funny, purchased or hand-made. Examples of traditional gifts include flowers, or one flower, a carefully picked handful of wildflowers or even sheaves of grain, or perhaps a potted plant or sapling that you both plant together. Less traditional gifts might include a drawing, a poem or song you write or find and maybe record, something sewn or built by hand, or even doing a chore the other person normally does. The pleasure of the moment can be enhanced with a scavenger or treasure map leading the person to your special gift. Another way to enliven and prolong the gifting moment is a game of draw with a variety of gifts available to choose.

Variety is of course important, however the real gift is the time and energy it takes to think of it in the first place. A fun game to play is for each person to think of all the possible gifts each might give and to write each one on a separate piece of paper. From time to time, especially when someone is feeling low, hold a drawing. The result can be a gift you really will give, or just one you wish you could give if you had the means. Many people believe hand-made gifts are the best because they are original, and are made with loving intentions. Others are captivated with some commercial item. With gift giving you can have fun and be creative.

And finally, or rather, in addition, saying something positive about the person is a special gift in itself. Sometimes even more profoundly received is to say something positive about the person to someone else within that person’s hearing. It becomes harder for a person to believe you are merely flattering when you are heard saying the words indirectly. The dictionary defines ‘gift’ as a thing given willingly to someone without payment. The gifts given in a loving relationship are extended beyond the dictionary definition to include: given with thoughtful intention, without obligation, and without expectation on the recipient’s part. In other words, gifts of the heart.

I wrote the following piece in 1994. Judging from the current films on some of the cable TV channels, it doesn’t look as if much has changed.

I’ve watched a lot of pornography in my life. It’s not that on a lonely Saturday night I think to myself, “I’ll go to the video store and get a really hot movie.” But over the years many of the men I’ve been with seem to think this very thing. Apparently, in the everyday world of dating, watching porn becomes another form of mutual entertainment, the way watching together any good movie can be entertaining, something to do together to pass the time. Except with pornography there is an inevitable direction and end in mind beyond visual entertainment. The movie is designed to enhance the sex that follows.

The operative word here is enhance. Rather than feeling entertained and my sex life energized after watching porn, I find most of the movies boring, repetitive, and predictable. “Poor exploited woman,” I say in a sarcastic attempt to lighten up the moment. But, at a glance, at least, the women in these movies don’t appear exploited. They are pretty, with great bodies, and are far more limber than I could ever be. They seem…well…hungry, and what the man has is the only thing that will satisfy them. They aren’t afraid to make lots of noise, to grab what they want, and to enjoy the ride. Or so they want me to believe. If they are victims, it is from having all gone to the same school of bad acting.

I remember one movie in particular. I think it was called Harem Nights, or Harem something. The movie was so bad, I can’t forget it. The cast was composed of the same faces I had seen many times before. Apparently a production company can only afford so many actors. They were given an assortment of scarves and cheap big jewelry, which they strung about in ways vaguely reminiscent of old Sinbad movies. If there was a plot, I don’t remember it – probably something about the male star sneaking into the harem late at night. But what I do remember was how much fun they were having. It was almost as if the director had some film left and a little time, and so he (this surely couldn’t have been a woman director’s idea of art) said, “Quick, kids, we’ve got some scarves, let’s make a movie about a harem.” They were laughing and rolling around, stepping on each other’s lines, clearly making it up as they went along. Eventually, of course, the big equipment came out and the scarves slipped away, and everybody seemed satisfied as the moaning subsided. But for once, I could see the humanity behind the scenes, and truthfully, it looked like they were having a great time.

Did that scene hurt me in any way? No. Nor did it turn me on. Watching naked bodies thrusting and arching, women breathing as if in Lamaze training, crying out “yes, do it” and other variations on the theme, actually leaves me cold. There, that’s the way pornography hurts me. After watching such a thing, while my lover is now sufficiently turned on, I, on the other hand, have to quickly dream up some fantasy of my own and try to displace the nonsense I just saw. I have to work harder to “get there” than if I hadn’t seen the movie at all. And in the back of my mind, I can’t help wondering why he needs that film now? Aren’t these movies designed for those days and nights of singular masturbation? Does he really need to see her in order to deal with me? That’s a possibility that hurts. Or perhaps it’s not her he’s watching at all, but him. The male actor becomes a kind of heterosexual role model: This is how we men do it with women. While I am looking at her and thinking, “Why can’t I look like that?” perhaps my partner is looking at him and thinking, “I am that.”

Once I was with my women’s support group on an overnight retreat, and one of the women brought along two videos (yes, it was that long ago) as a surprise. Rather than our watching with feminist anger and criticism, her intention was for us to have our own version of “boys night out”. The first film was similar to the dozens (hundreds?) available at any video store, and we watched with playful interest. We assessed the male star from every angle, both his performance and his apparatus. Were we having fun? A little. Was it at anyone’s expense? A little, but no more than one might evaluate the acting and appearance on any TV commercial. Did we now expect our mates to look like the star? Of course not, although who knows what anyone secretly wished. Unexpectedly, the second film turned out to be something different. It began with a man talking to us, the audience. He was giving us a serious warning, telling us that what we were about to see was only one form of sexual expression, and that although it was between two consenting adults, we may be offended. This film, he explained dryly, was not for everyone. The film was about S/M and bondage, with the man in the dominant position.

What struck me about this second film was the warning. Somehow, I doubt the Internet and films of today go to such lengths to warn their viewers. Perhaps the director back then was only protecting himself (or herself?) from potential trouble, and really didn’t care whether he offended anyone or not. But I found the speech sensitive and ethical. I began to think about all the violent (non-porn) movies I have seen on TV, both inadvertently and by choice. What if the director or producer made such a warning before each film – not the quick letters rating, but an actual artist to viewer conversational admission? Perhaps a fatherly, handsome man or an attractive, professional looking woman could appear at the beginning and say:

“This movie is the product of someone’s imagination and won’t be for everyone. Not only will there be episodes of violent death and physical pain deliberately inflicted throughout the film, the characters you see portrayed will show no typical human emotions of sorrow, remorse, longing, grief, or joy. They will kill and maim other human beings, and not be emotionally or psychologically affected by their behavior. They will only engage in trivial romances based on physical appearance or the proximity of the other during times of danger. They will handle all encounters with a reactive nature, and show no regard for introspection or self-growth. Warning: watching this movie may cause you to believe that death is meaningless, torture and suffering are necessary avenues to personal power, and relationships happen only by chance.”

As a woman who doesn’t make pornography, but only occasionally watches, I don’t find the typical American porn films hurtful to me at all. Aside from an occasional stab at feeling physically inadequate, which many TV commercials or magazine ads can also do, the most problem I have with them is that they are boring. On the other hand, I think pornography has hurt some of the men I’ve known. Maybe they know that ordinary women don’t look like the on-camera, air brushed types, and maybe experience has shown them that they don’t act that way either. But while they know what real women aren’t like, where do they learn what they are like? The vast majority of films involving overt sexuality, whether labeled pornography or a box office hit, teach only the fantasy, and don’t teach anything about how an ordinary woman really does act. If she isn’t loudly moaning and verbal, or if she doesn’t have an orgasm at all, why wouldn’t a man think something is wrong—if not with his performance, then with her?

Pornography and most other movies have taught some of the men I know that women are supposed to be a visual feast, are supposed to be easily aroused no matter what is going on in their lives, are supposed to think that sex is the most important part of their day. And when that doesn’t turn out to be the case, instead of taking it like a man, which means like a grown up, instead of turning to their women (and this type of man usually goes through a lot of women) and saying, “Teach me about the real world,” instead they turn back to pornography to fulfill the fantasy. So that eventually, ordinary sex with an ordinary woman becomes boring after awhile, and pornography must be included in the foreplay. Some women I know make a valiant effort to go along with the program rather than fight it. They wear filmy lingerie and garters. They are constantly on the alert for an element of surprise. But eventually their priorities change, especially in raising children, or they get old, or just plain tired. In the several cases I’m thinking of, the men hadn’t fallen in love with an actual person, and when their fantasy woman finally folded, they simply slipped away.

Censorship, education, lawsuits, and femme porn all have been suggested as possible solutions. I think a good place to start to repair some of the damage is with the porn industry itself. Lately, there are a few smart women who are making porn videos for men and women, slipping in the erotic and gentler side of sex along with the visual and robust. The next step might to begin to work genuine characters with emotionally diverse relationships into the purely sexual. This will take cleverness on the part of the producer and director for they will have to do something intelligent within very little time. If the interpersonal parts take up too much footage, the viewer might simply get bored and move on. And it will take patience on the part of the male audience. Men may have to put up with a little boredom, too, until they get used to the idea that the people in the movie, who still are enthusiastically cavorting and bumping their bodies together, actually do have a story, and a psychology, and a deeper tenderness than the “Oh baby,” variety. In other words, the sex scenes would not be about having a change of character, as in the typical ‘librarian/school teacher/secretary with thick glasses and a bun’, who suddenly shakes down her hair and reveals lacy underwear. The sex would be a natural progression of the character’s unfolding discovery of pleasurable feelings. Simply having sex would not cause the stars to gain power and stature. Rather the sex, wilder and juicier than ever, would be the end result of each of them coming to terms with their own innate personhood. But then, that wouldn’t be pornography, would it?

August 1994

1.            Walk in the light even if you don’t think you deserve to.

2.            Listen for instructions.

3.            When called, say yes.

4.            Ask for obstacles to be removed if you are on a good path, and for obstacles to be placed if you are not.

5.            Look for the signs and accept their direction.

6.            Affirm the light within you. Avoid doubt.

7.            Use your light as a beacon for others.

8.            Be one with the light.

9.            Be one with all.

10.          Be one.

11.           Be.

12.           Let gratitude and love overcome you.

There is no way to explain the secret. You either get it or you don’t.

Most will think they get it. They will interpret each part from their own view and continue to live as before, assured in the interpretation. You will recognize them when they try to teach you.

Some will think they don’t get it, but they want to. They will strive to understand. They listen to many teachers. These are the seekers. Some of these will hear truth and use it. Many will remain searching.

A few will follow their paths, changing when it seems they must change, attending to their wounds until they are standing again, taking more steps, attending to wounds, healing, stepping, attending… You will know these because they will accompany you and seek to be accompanied. They will not judge or condemn you, and they will not try to make you learn their path.

All are teachers to each other.

12/29/08

Sages tell us be one with the bird.

I am sitting on the couch on my front porch, overlooking the expanse of yard that sweeps up to the wall of hibiscus and the wooden gate. Lazing on the porch would be a luxury anywhere else, any other time. But I’m retired now, and the place is a Costa Rican village where the heat and humidity overwhelm the day. Sleep is not the issue, but rest and stillness prevail, respite from the baking sun and drenching side effects of sweat, thirst, and languor. The porch is wide and long, the length of the front of the house, buttressed by sturdy wood beams dividing the front and balancing the weight of the roof’s extension. From my view on the couch, the yard is neatly framed, with parts of sky and garden edges hidden, a carefully boxed in world. Within this portrait, there is a wire that extends from the roof edge out into the yard and up to the electrical pole on the road’s edge beyond my gate, the perfect perch for the occasional tanager, pausing in the day between avian errands. And one has landed now, calling out his random announcement, I am here, Here I am.

To be one with the bird is to be the bird, ride his wings, see the great swatches of earth as he sees them through his beady bird sight. Today I am feeling more generous, not needing to abscond with the bird and his secrets, but rather to welcome this visitor into my solitude, or is it loneliness? Today I want to share more than overtake. I want to be my own bird, become one with all birds, or perhaps any, or just my one visitor above. It is possible this bird does not see me because he is in sunlight while I am in shadow, tucked into a couch behind wooden pillars and low cement walls. I want to be seen, not in the usual startling way, but to be known in the company of birds.

It starts with a few breaths, natural reminders of the real world, calming, peace making, smoothing. The hardest part is next, turning off the volume of my mind. I am, I want, I need, all must dissolve in this moment, languish effortlessly in the heat, slip into oblivious shadows. Surfacing now are sensations of the body, no definitions, no explanations, no expectations. The feathers come first, cooling actually, unlike fur. Spiny pins extend outward into finer and softer replicas of themselves, until I am covered in feathers. Wings fold against me. I stretch first one and then the other, long and sleek then back again, tucked up to me like a shield. A shudder runs through my body as I ruffle myself, each feathery spear standing up and then flattening like the ripple of a wave. My legs have become rough spindles spreading into smooth claws.

I cannot restrain myself another moment, and I fly.

From inside the porch I fly up into the air. I circle once my visitor on the wire, out of respect and greeting, before I land several feet away along his perch. I have no voice, but of course he sees me. He is alert, but not wary. I hop along the wire to be a little closer, to see if I may approach even more. He does not fly away, or move away, and I know I am welcome. I hop again, then again, until we are side by side. He does not mind me at all as I begin to preen, not me, but him. First, I rub my head along his side, gently, slowly. He is kind, he does not stir. I begin to nuzzle the back of his neck, carefully maneuvering my beak along the quills of his feathers, scraping, smoothing, massaging.

When love is removed from the realm of the mind, which is needy and constricting, when love is allowed to fly expansively, without definition or expectation, what amazing and wonderful realms we can reach. Having met my visitor, I am ready to fly back, like Cinderella running to the carriage before midnight’s stroke exposes her other self, before my mind slips back into gear and says something shattering and foolish, like, oh, look, I am a bird.

On the couch again, I consciously breathe into myself, the self of skin and hair. The bird on the wire, suddenly alone again, calls out once with insistence before he swoops down. He hovers between the porch beams, directly before me, only a foot or so away, studying this human on the couch. We face each other for what seems like seconds, until, either satisfied or thoroughly confused, he flies away.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you end up on the receiving end of criticism. Being criticized is not a pleasant experience. The emotions called up may make you want to run away, stay away, or turn around and fight. But, for your own peace of mind, it is important to remember that this disturbing moment of being exposed and even labeled is sometimes an inevitable part of the on-going process of maintaining a relationship. The key to a healthy and stable relationship is not in measuring how seldom annoyances occur, but in how they are handled when they do occur.

Almost all relationships have to deal with critical moments at times. Of course, there are mannerly and ideal ways to approach the issues, but in some cases the person who calls the problem loses sight of the ideal. The best possible situation in receiving criticism is to have first introduced the other person to the constructive steps involved in giving criticism. However, even with the best intentions, people don’t always follow the blueprints they are given. If sufficiently upset, a person may blame, label, insult, and generally break all the rules, either inadvertently or with intention. When people become angry with you, and stay angry for extended periods, claiming that you are the cause of their anger, they are actually reacting to something within themselves. Certainly there are actions in life that cause irritation. However reasonable anger shoots up only momentarily (minutes at most) and then subsides into some version of problem solving. You are not responsible for another person’s protracted anger. Your responsibility is to recognize the intention behind your actions, and honestly assess when your intention was to cause a negative reaction in the other person. Are you deliberately jabbing, digging, or hurting? Then, yes, you have caused a reaction. Otherwise, any guilt you feel does not help the other person to gain clearer perception, and only undermines your ability to stand as an equal in the relationship. Preserving a relationship when you are under heated attack, means your first objective is to protect yourself by helping the other person calm down. And, after gently reminding him or her of how difficult it is for you to hear when feeling blamed, the fastest way to calm another is to listen with the intention of trying to understand.

However, even with your best efforts as outlined below, if the other person is not returning to a more workable level, you may need to take some time-out in order not to get emotionally caught up in the tirade. Some people are not able to remain calm once they tap into their deeper anger, or have never developed the skill it takes to negotiate their own darker emotions, and some have serious, even dangerous, personality problems that need to be addressed in more professional settings. Listening with the intention to understand is not going to be mutually effective where patterns of abuse or lack of empathy are already established. Furthermore, anytime psychological or physical threat is part of the encounter, you need to remove yourself immediately. The following suggestions and guidelines assume that the criticizing person and the target of the criticism both hold the other’s welfare at heart.

The overall goal is to diminish the heat and the sting of the criticism without losing sight of the content. At first, if at all possible, don’t interrupt, unless perhaps there is a need to find a more suitable place to carry on the discussion. Let the person express him or herself while you take in the message. However, merely remaining calm and undiminished by the negativity is not enough. Mute attendance or unresponsive silence often comes across as indifference or assumed superiority on your part, and may actually fan the flames of criticism. The reason the person is upset about the issue is because he or she feels unheard or ignored. People often raise their voices or repeat themselves because they think the other person isn’t getting the point. Listening actively, with the intention of wanting to understand, requires non-combative, even warm, eye contact, responsive facial expressions and gestures, such as nods or shrugs, and occasional verbal prompts, such as “I get it,” “Hmn,” or an occasional clarifying question. When people really believe they have been heard and understood, they almost always return to a more reasonable stance.

Ask for specific examples rather than categorically denying the accusation. Asking for specifics can be scary the first few times you try it, so it may take a concentrated effort to actually listen to the details. Defending ourselves by denying the charges feels right and comfortable compared to the non-interruption rule. But denial, which is defensiveness, only keeps the problem unsolved. Asking for specifics helps you to understand the whole picture and helps others to believe that you really do care about what they are feeling and thinking. Later, after you are seen to clearly understand the details, you will be able to explain your side of the story to a much more receptive audience.

Don’t use the person’s critical remark as a confirmation that it is all right for you to respond with an equally critical response. Avoid making a counter-attack. The old adage “two wrongs don’t make a right,” really applies here. The last thing you want to do is escalate unnecessary anger. Countering each accusation with a cross-complaint of your own, such as, “Me? What about the time you…” leads to escalation with each complaint getting worse than the previous one. Keep calm, breathe slowly, maybe even count the next ten slow breaths, anything to keep your inner churning to a minimum. Your reaction at this moment may be the difference between beginning to come together or moving further apart.

Instead of defending yourself at this point, paraphrase, or try to sum up the other person’s ideas to show that you understand. Paraphrasing is not mimicking or simply repeating. Rather, it is a conscientious effort to say the same thing in a slightly different way. “In other words,” you might begin. First, you are making sure that you really do understand exactly what the other person is trying to get across. If you fully understand, then you are better able to respond. Second, the other person sees that you are really trying to understand, which is like a gift. It is difficult to aim anger and resentment when the target is on the same side. Understanding softens people. Third, if you are inaccurate in your summation, the person has the chance to correct you and clarify the point, which makes negotiation that much easier.

In some cases, this might be a good time to take notes. If what the person wants to tell you is complicated or involves many details, taking notes will help you to remember everything when it’s your turn to speak. Even though it may feel and look a little strange, pausing to draw out a pencil and paper gives you some breathing room and makes the other person slow down. The overall message you are sending is that the information is important and you don’t want to miss anything.

In order to figure out what behavior to change, or if you have to change anything at all, you will need to assess the potential damage. Find out the consequences of your continuing to behave in the way that the other person is now criticizing. You both may discover that just in the process of your trying to understand, the original problem fades away. Or, you may discover that this behavior that you find so innocent could do serious damage to your relationship if left unchecked. Knowing the potential consequences will help you in making plans and decisions that further your relationship in the future.

Thank the person for bringing their feelings and thoughts to your attention. This may seem strange, especially if you feel that a load of garbage has been dumped right in the middle of your nice life. But wouldn’t you want to know now, when the problem is manageable, rather than suffer a lot more grief after it’s gone too far? Thank the person for trying, even if in a confusing, emotion-laden, or clumsy way, to mend the relationship and keep the communication lines open.