Conversations with Nana

That old expression about the pot calling the kettle black is usually more true than we like to think. In many families, some protective elder manages to warn at some point, “If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all.” On the other hand, another good piece of advice is to “not stuff it,” not to push down your emotions, because suppressed anger because will rise up eventually anyway, and when it finally rises, it is usually much more explosive than the original feelings. So, how does one juggle these two contradictory maxims in maintaining a long lasting relationship?

Sometimes we must speak up. Whether the issue is about how one squeezes the toothpaste tube, or about much more serious matters, we reach a point where we cannot remain silent and continue to peacefully coexist. Certain behaviors must change in order to make the relationship a workable one. When this is the case, the first step is simply to ask the person to change. Easy — just say, “Instead of doing that, would you do this?” The surprise is that often that’s all it takes.

Or, if you think that the person has something invested in the way he or she is currently behaving, and that to ask for change may be hurtful or feel insulting, then the second approach is to ask, “What would it be like for you, if you were to do this instead of that?” The key here is to ask from a genuine place of wanting to know how certain changes might affect him/her. This is not a trick question. According to the answer, you will have a better idea as to what to do next.

Simple. You can ask for change directly. But maybe not so simple if the other person tends to react defensively, or assumes your request is coming from malice or a power play. In order to comment about another without too much fall-out, the first step is to understand the nature of criticism. First of all, the word “criticize” altogether has a nasty ring to it. Try for something more neutral and less threatening, such as, “making constructive comments.” Using different language may seem like subterfuge, but the change of words can serve as reminders about your sincere intentions. When the need arises to make constructive comments, always remember that the primary purpose of the comment is to solve a problem, not to hurt someone. Once the other person understands that you are trying to shore up the relationship, not tear it down, he or she will be more receptive to what you have to say.

Sometimes we get carried away. Once we know we have the other person’s attention, we figure we’d better get in as much as we can. Or, the freedom of finally saying what has been bottled up inside is so exhilarating that we just keep going. Rather than bringing up a long list of past wrongs, try to make your points one conversation at a time, at least until the other person shows enough trust and relaxation to go on. Too many issues at once can cause someone to feel hopeless. People can only sustain a sense of failure for so long before they walk away altogether or turn the blame back on the attacker.

Change is going to depend on the other person really understanding what it is you are saying. It may feel great to vent for the purpose of letting off steam, however venting alone will do little to further the relationship. Avoid vague insinuations or ambiguous statements such as, “there you go again,” or “you always do that,” or “this has to stop.” Make your language as specific as possible. Define in clear nouns and verbs such vague phases as “this, that, it.” Specific language takes a lot of practice. While we often think what we are saying is perfectly clear the other person’s interpretation is often different enough to cause miscommunication. When someone claims the offending person already “knows” just by association, it’s a good bet that confusion and misunderstanding is at play.

Remain as realistic as possible, even if it means rehearsing the conversation ahead of time. Don’t exaggerate. Exaggerations such as “never” and “always,” are rarely accurate, and cause you to appear dishonest. While the person defensively thinks of exceptions the real point has been missed.

Reframe your words to say what you mean without sounding mean-spirited. Examples might include changing  “pushy or bitchy” to “assertive,” or “lazy” to “unmotivated.” The goal is not so much to soften the blow, as to getting the person to hear you without losing contact through defensiveness. Don’t use insulting language, negative labels, or sarcasm. Sometimes we think sarcasm is funny and if the other person doesn’t laugh it’s simply because they don’t have an advanced sense of humor. The rule of thumb:  sarcasm during an argument or painful encounter (and many other times, too) will hurt no matter what are your intentions. The primary purpose of constructive comments is to solve a problem, not to hurt someone.

Watch your tone of voice. No matter how innocent your words are, with a negative tone of voice the other person is always alerted. Without even realizing they do it, people listen for non-verbal clues. Keep your voice tone neutral, if not kind and loving. This would be a good time to gently hold the other person’s hand, if your relationship warrants such affection, or at least briefly touch the person in some way to silently affirm that you are still present in spirit and not trying to destroy the good feelings you share.

Accompany your constructive comments by specific suggestions for behavioral change. Try to give concrete, detailed examples of what you need changed. In that way the other person has a clear idea if he or she will be able or willing to comply. If not, it’s better to know right away than to create a false agreement that will only lead to disappointment in the future. It’s important to know that asking for what you need is reasonable and necessary, but expecting to be given exactly what you ask for is a demand and not reasonable. If others can and will change in just the way you ask, wonderful. If they cannot or will not meet your demands, that’s wonderful, too, because now you know where you stand. Further negotiations are possible.

Avoid making constructive comments in every conversation or encounter. If you critically approach others too often, they will regard you as a fault finder or develop a defensive attitude in your presence. General rule: Praise as much, or more, as you criticize. At least an equal (if not twice as much) amount of genuine praise needs to be expended for every constructive comment.

Some people believe so strongly in what they are saying, they feel they have not been truly heard until the listener agrees with them. In order to maintain his or her stance, the speaker listens to the other perspective only to collect information to counter. Eventually the conversation turns to argument or unfriendly impasse. While the goal of convincing others can be a worthy one in some circumstances, it need not be the only way to express oneself. When we are understood, even if other people don’t agree with what they are hearing, we have the satisfaction of knowing that we have clearly communicated and have been clearly heard.

Surprisingly, clear and effective communication is made up of just a few simple parts. Sometimes all the parts must be in use in order to make the communication work, sometimes only a few are needed, and sometimes all are used but spread over several conversations. Ultimately, however, it is the combination of the parts that makes the communication work so well, not just good intentions, or well chosen words. Of course, when things are going well and you want to communicate happiness or love, maybe only a look or a brief expression is needed. The method described below is used for the more difficult times, for example when you need to tell others about behaviors of theirs that really bother you.

The first step is to be sure you are describing what you think are the facts of the situation. There will plenty of room later in the conversation for your opinions, interpretation, and evaluation. Facts are straightforward, concrete events that you have observed, without any interjection of what you think those facts mean, what the motives of the other person might be, or whether you think they are right or wrong. Remember to keep your voice tone and body language as neutral or non-judgmental as possible. Examples of factual communication: “You said you would be here by 9:00 and instead it’s 9:45.” “When you talk to me your voice gets louder and louder.” “I was talking to you and you walked out of the room without saying anything.”

By stating the facts so specifically, you are making sure the other person knows exactly what you are talking about. Imagine if someone told you there were strange noises in the house. Vague words like “strange” are a clue, but simply do not give you enough information. Factual language will help you know whether to check for leaky pipes, call an exterminator, or call the police. Conversely, when others approach you with something bothering them, it is fair to gently stop the flow and ask first for specifics so that you are sure you understand their references exactly. Sometimes, the mere act of pointing out the troubling behavior is enough to change the situation, although this is not often the case.

The second step, once you are sure the other person understands you, is to explain why this situation is a problem. Chances are the other person is truly not aware that what he or she is doing is troublesome. At this point you may want to add your feelings and/or interpretation of the other person’s motives or behavior if your perception is part of what’s bothering you. Since this person is not an enemy, but part of a relationship both of you have chosen, there is a good chance that once the problem is explained, the situation can be modified to everyone’s satisfaction. On the other hand, your interpretation may only be one of many possibilities and at this point the other person can alert you to an alternative version, which may be much more innocent or well-intended than you imagined. In either case — whether you relax in the discovery that you had misinterpreted, or, others awaken to the negative effect of their behavior — often these two simple parts, being factually specific and explaining why there is a problem, are all that are needed to begin the process of change. Examples of explaining why the situation or behavior is a problem: “Everyone’s schedule is disrupted when you are later than expected.” “I can’t hear what you are trying to tell me when I feel that you are yelling at me.” “I’m hurt to think that you would walk away without hearing what I have to say.”

On the other hand, sometimes the problem is not solved so neatly and a few more steps are needed. At this point, state as clearly as possible what you want to happen next. Next may be something as simple as an agreement to continue talking at another time, or as firm as a request for change. Depending on the circumstances, when you request change it is usually good to also tell what you hope to see, or how you wish the other person to proceed. Others, in turn, can then agree or let you know what they are willing or not willing to do. The point here is that you are engaged in negotiations rather than making demands. Examples of stating what you want to happen next: “If you can’t arrive on time, will you call me and let me know?” “When your voice starts to get louder, I would like to touch your arm or make a signal between us to help you remember to keep it down.” “If you need to walk away when I am talking, would you just say something to let me know how you feel about what I just said?”

At this point it is important to ask for feedback, unless, of course, the other person has already demonstrated that they clearly understand what you are saying. Many times we believe that others understand, only to later discover that they were confused about the message. Asking for feedback is not simply saying, “Do you understand?” or “Do you know what I mean?” Both questions only require a “yes or no.” If you are lucky enough to get a “no,” you can explain further or ask what part wasn’t clear. However, many people answer “yes” because they either think they understand when actually they don’t, or they are too embarrassed, intimidated, or indifferent to go any further with the conversation. The smart thing to do is to ask the person to tell you what he or she thinks you said, or to ask a question that requires a more in-depth answer. Examples of asking for feedback: “So how soon before you come do you think you can let me know you’ll be late?” “Just to be sure, what do you think I meant when I said that your voice tone upsets me?” “I need to know that I haven’t just forced an agreement on both of us. What do you think you just agreed to?”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this were the end of the problem? People who have developed the spirit of cooperation often find that from here they are well on their way to not only solving the problem but also favorably changing conditions for future encounters. But sometimes even this is not enough. If your agreements are not met or if reasonable changes do not occur after a reasonable period of time — which is determined by the nature of the particular problem or issue — then you may have to repeat the above steps. There may be lots of reasons for people not following through, such as forgetting, losing track of time, getting confused, or thinking they have actually fulfilled their half of the agreement. Of course, there is also the unsettling possibility that they made an agreement they had no intention of keeping, but you won’t know this until you double check. Example of double-checking: “Remember that talk we had last week? What was your understanding about our agreement?”

By now intimacy is flowing even if nothing else has changed. Sometimes the very thing that was bothering us melts away as the conversation about it starts to flow. But sometimes not. When nothing seems to be changing even after numerous conversations, there is one final step. Ask yourself, what happens now, what will I do next, how will I end up feeling? Then explain the events that probably will follow if the situation continues to remain unchecked. Sometimes people act out of habit and fail to see any harm in doing what they’ve always done. But when the potentially dangerous or negative consequences of things not changing are clearly spelled out, people often get the full picture and work for mutually happier conditions. As long as your statement of possible consequences is not a threat, demand, or ultimatum, it is also a way of educating the other person as to who you are and how you react. Examples of explaining the consequences: “If you haven’t called and you’re late, I’ll figure you’re not coming after 20 minutes and I’ll leave. We can reschedule later.” “It’s not good for us to continue talking when we are yelling, so if either one of us is too upset to calm down, we’ll call a time-out and pick it up again when we are calmer. I’ll check in with you after about half an hour and see if we want to continue our talk.” “If you walk away without giving me a signal that everything is OK, I’ll figure that you are upset. It will be hard to do, but I’ll wait until you tell me you are ready to talk.”

Clarity in Communication

1. Describe the facts of the situation: Not opinions, evaluations, judgements of right or wrong. Keep voice and body neutral, non-judgemental, non-threatening.

2. Explain why this situation is a problem: OK to add your feelings and interpretation of the situation. Be open to hearing alternative interpretations.

3. State what you want to happen next: Listen to the other person’s wishes also.

4. Ask for feedback: Don’t say, “do you understand or do you know what I mean?” Ask the other person to explain what was heard.

5. Repeat previous steps as needed: Look for and honor small increments of change.

6. Explain potential consequences: Avoid threats, demands, ultimatums. Be able and willing to follow through if necessary.

You know those old jokes about good news/bad news? The bad news is there will be problems as we go along in our relationships, except now, believe it or not, the bad news becomes good. Quality, intimacy, and endurance are not built in spite of problems, but because of them. It’s during the bad times that we demonstrate our commitments, find ways to hold each other close, and hopefully grow up together into bigger people than before. So when arguments arise, as they surely will if you are paying attention even a little, you can think of them as windows of opportunity.

Recognizing disagreements or arguments as positive allows you to bring up issues often, before they grow unwieldy and out of control. Freedom to say everything that’s on your mind evolves from two important sources. First, you are free to speak because you trust that the other person is following the same guidelines of cooperation, communication, and a willingness to listen. Second, you are free to speak because you trust you will not confuse your message with blame, meanness, or manipulation. If you have been following these basics so far, then you are well on your way. It is as if together you are watching the hurricane from our window, knowing that the storm will pass over soon enough.

Think of an argument as the fine tuning of a relationship, the maintenance and repairs. The question now becomes how to conduct the argument. You may not have much control over each other’s thoughts, feelings, and churning emotions, however there are some simple and timely things you can control.

For one, don’t attempt a serious talk on an empty stomach. If you are well fed and physically comfortable, you will be much more inclined to carry the good physical feelings into your emotions as well. The same is true for feeling rested. Fatigue, as with hunger, can make everything seem more intense. Also, choose the time of day so that there will be no, or few, interruptions, and no other appointments to call you away. The amount of outside distractions and noise is easily controlled by turning off phones, radios, and TVs. Finally, if the argument splays out over a long or tiring period of time, agree to stop and set a date and time to pick it up again when rested.

Some other tips to remember include keeping your focus on behavioral issues rather than personality and attitudes. Address specific behaviors and let go of trying to read or control other people’s minds. A constructive argument might sound like this: “I need you to stop leaving your clothes wherever you drop them,” and not, “You think I’m your maid. You are so lazy.”

Also, keep your issues current, as much in the present moment as possible. While it may be necessary from time to time to bring in brief examples or points of reference, past issues that already have been settled need to be referred to sparingly and with great caution, and never as an excuse to slip in more than one complaint at a time. Also stay current by keeping things directly related to your own experience. Don’t bring in others’ opinions as back up if those people are not present in the room. But, equally true: Anything that happened in the past but still feels unresolved and bothersome, is current deserving of its own discussion time because your feelings about that issue are still thriving.

Once you have established that you are looking for solutions rather than someone to blame, a fun thing to do is to brainstorm possibilities together. Allow yourselves to be architects of the fantastic as well as the practical. In brainstorming, there are some basic ground rules, and after that anything goes. Rule number one is that no one can ridicule or criticize what anyone else says. Rule number two is that no one is expected to stand by or defend his or her idea — it’s all just play at this point. Number three rule, at the end of the brainstorm, is that everyone agrees before an idea is discarded. The startling revelation here is that people can laugh and have a good time right in the middle of an argument.

But, if anger escalates agree to take formal breaks. Breaks or time-outs are orderly in that they are set up by previous agreement, purposeful rather than just slamming a door on the way out, and brief. Before the discussion ever starts, in some neutral time, develop a code or signal to use during the argument to indicate that you will be taking a time out. Agree during this planning stage that whoever uses the signal will be allowed to leave without resistance or questions asked and will return after a specific cooling off time. At the designated time he or she will return for a check-in to see if more time is needed, if a later appointment should be made, or if it’s OK to continue right now. General rules for taking breaks: Set up previously your definition of what is a time-out and ground rules. Agree on a gesture or verbal signal. Make no resistance about the break. Return at designated time. Resume or make another date.

Most of us have heard warnings about using withdrawal as a method of escape, but there is an important point to remember about the kind of retreat we are talking about here. Withdrawal as outlined above is a fair and reasonable thing to do in the same way you would stop your car if it became overheated. Agreed upon withdrawal is different than withholding. Withholding is impenetrable and secretive. When people practice withholding, they are closing themselves off and expecting others to learn the lock’s combination through guilt and manipulation. Withholding is neither constructive nor loving. Instead, it falls under the category of defensive reacting in that it takes care of one individual at the expense of the relationship.

Really, the best way to learn how to avoid using withholding, is to have it done to you. Once a person experiences how lonely and hurtful it feels, he or she will not want to use it on someone they love. Extricating oneself from this bad habit is not as hard as it might appear when everyone agrees to work on the problem as a team. Withholding is negative, spiteful, and a play for power. Withdrawing is used carefully with the positive purpose to refresh and regain balance.

Finally, put things in writing. By writing down issues and solutions you are creating a clear reminder. You are also creating the spirit of a contract, which solidifies your on-going commitment to a quality relationship. Finally, you are creating a kind of relationship journal that you can refer to from time to time to congratulate yourselves about those areas where you have progressed and to check on those that seem to be going in circles.

In review, here are the steps in constructing arguments with positive outcomes:

1. CREATE POSITIVE PHYSICAL CONDITIONS

Unplug phones, radios, TV, computers.

Choose a time of day with few interruptions.

Make sure you are well fed, physically comfortable, rested.

When fatigue occurs, set a date and resume later.

2. CREATE POSITIVE EMOTIONAL CONDITIONS

Talk about behaviors, not personalities.

Stay current in your feelings.

Only one complaint at a time.

Make personal statements, not blaming ones.

Don’t bring in “others” who are not present.

3. CREATE POSITIVE BEHAVIORAL APPROACHES

Brainstorm without criticism

Take agreed upon breaks as needed

Resume at a designated time

Write Down Issues and Solutions