Some people heal and some never do
Some people die while others survive.
Who is to say what is the natural state of the world?
Life and death are intertwined
A covering blanket woven of many living and dying threads.
Who knows the time allotted?
Who knows the one who allots the time?
We live, we die, sooner, or later.
We do this thing together without ever knowing
Where the empty space will appear.
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It is always difficult to put a label on behavior because it is so individualistic. In one interview in the video Men Talk Sex, a man said that he had to run into a car dealership bathroom to masturbate, after trying to be a good religious person and not masturbate for several days. But, what about those who are not abstinent, and yet still feel compelled to masturbate many times a day?
One thought is that it is possible to have a phobia or intense fear of having an erection in public. A young boy who did not have control yet might be so exposed while, say, giving a speech in class, or talking to a favored girl in the school hall. Even if no one noticed or ridiculed him, it could create a desperate need to make sure it never happened again. In this case, therapy would help uncover the irrational thinking, as well as education as to how things may settle down as the body ages. Medication might also be in order due to a bio-chemical reaction in the brain causing anxiety reactions, but that would have to be figured out by a doctor.
Another possibility is the modern idea of what is loosely termed “sex addiction,” where a person thinks in such a way as to create an erotic mind-set and a continual need for release through orgasm. This is the opposite of phobic because instead of trying to avoid something, this person is trying to get filled up or satisfied. If the person in question wants to break this cycle, besides temporary abstinence and therapy, he or she might also learn about “person-centered sex,” where orgasm is not the goal, but genuine cherishing of the partner is.
(Also, we sometimes see this kind of behavior in lower cognitively functioning people, such as institutionalized developmentally disabled, where masturbation simply is a bodily habit that feels good. Often a program of behavior modification, where rewards for appropriate public behavior are consistently applied, has been successful in institutional settings.)
Even if the person is acting compulsively or out of anxiety, he (or she) may talk as if they are behaving by choice and that there is no problem. Whatever the reason, there may be no problem in present time because the person has figured out a way to organize their day around their habits, and because the end result is so physically pleasurable.
The problem may come when the person attempts to engage in an emotionally intimate relationship. Most likely, no one partner is going to want to continually be available at that physical level. A harem might fit the bill in this case; however there would still be the problem of the person being able to organize a productive workday. More so, the person may find that sex with a partner is often just not as personally satisfying as his or her own style and timing of masturbation. He or she may engage in partner sex for the partner’s sake, or for an occasional diversion from the norm, but the partner in the cases of addictive masturbation very often complains of an impersonal, mechanistic kind of love making rather than a genuine person-to-person deep encounter.
There are twelve step programs called Love and Sex Addicts Anonymous, with varying degrees of help. Without the first-hand experience of physical depth that partnered lovemaking can bring, it would be hard to imagine there is a better way. The person who knows the success of solitary masturbation would have to practice trust, faith, bravery, and self-discipline without any guarantees about the future. What purports to be mentally and sexually healthy becomes a catch-22 in that the goal is unfathomable without some taste of experience, and the instrument of that experience, the partner, can only appear after some even minor semblance of the goal has been reached.
As to why someone gets addicted to porn, one answer is not going to fit all. There could be various reasons mixed with one’s cultural or religious background. Some of the current ideas, in general:
Orgasm is highly rewarding. Internet porn is somewhat taboo and maybe secretive, which adds adrenaline to the system (excitement). The actors on the screen are perfect. They fit the watcher’s ideal, they are willing to, or can be programmed to, act in exactly the ways the person wants. They are already aroused to the ultimate limit, and only care about pleasing. All of these factors make for an extremely intense orgasm.
After that once – or several – times, the person sees a vast difference from his or her real world, and what is available with porn. Couple that with a personality that prefers immediate gratification over behaving with a long-term lifestyle in mind, maybe someone who has few coping skills for stress or crisis, someone who might seek some kind of sedative, prescription or not, rather than living and working through emotional pain, and maybe someone whose particular brain chemistry is slanted more toward compulsion. Everything is in place to create quickly a desire or craving to have more of the quick fix of porn.
Research has found that men fit in the above porn category more than women, although women also have their percentages. However, if you substitute porn for romance, the same process prevails for many otherwise seemingly innocents. Romantic novels, “chick flicks” where true love always wins in the end, etc., become the intense reward. Many women are disappointed in their real world when they had been primed for the ideal relationship. The results look somewhat different, but there is a strong parallel here.
It’s not that a person can be immune to porn (or romance fiction), or should avoid it. Rather, certain people need to recognize that the material is so unrealistic and distracting from any real relationships, they may want to make a conscious decision to not go there, or at least in any potentially addictive way. In the Western culture, at least, we have been raised with taboos and shame, and yet the illicit is dangled before us at every turn. Resistance would be difficult without some conscious thinking and sense of personal power.
Once people fully enter the “addicted” area, they are no longer consciously making decisions. The pull to go in a certain direction is as strong as wanting a cold drink on a hot day. It becomes part of the person’s sense of survival. At that point the addiction is in control, and change comes slowly and thoughtfully. Any partner outside the addiction must understand that the other person’s behavior is unrelated to the partner, not because of the partner.
While alive, Jesus taught an apocalyptic gospel – the world is soon changing, give away your possessions, and follow his example of living day-to-day, hand to mouth. Yet, some Christian churches now teach that abundance on a material level is available for the asking. The article of faith in these often evangelic models is to claim what is rightfully yours, your material inheritance from God. Role models for this in the Catholic pantheon are hard to find – most are already poor or give away any wealth they may have started with. How do the other Christians justify claiming material wealth, or, if not wealth, at least a comfortable lifestyle? Where is the teaching written? The Birds of the Fields metaphor is not about abundance, it’s about trust. The trust is not about receiving everything you want, it’s about receiving everything you need for the day. The words need (meaning basic necessities) and day (meaning today – no hoarding for tomorrow) are key to this parable.