Conversations with Nana

Imagine you and your partner are decorating a room in your house and trying to determine just where to hang a large framed picture. Part of the fun is trying out different views, getting feedback, and deciding together. There is not much enjoyment in the other person merely saying, “Hang it there.” Together, you ask each other, “What do you think about this arrangement?” and while one holds the picture in place, the other steps back to look. “A little more to the left, and down,” you say. “Like this?” “Almost. Just a little more to the right this time.” And so it goes. Each one reflects what the other has said, checks to be sure, and then assesses the overall effect. Listening and responding in this way is an extraordinary tool for furthering relationship and intimacy because you are working together and accurately building on each other’s views.

The actual skill of effective listening has four simple parts. First, there is a spirit in the listener of remaining non-judgmental. No matter what you hear, try to understand it without condemning it. When you negatively judge another, the other person feels attacked and usually becomes defensive. Defensiveness means withdrawal, and withdrawal means we can no longer hear what the other person has to say when it’s his or her turn to respond. You are merely receiving information, the same way you would learn without negativity about all the various trails on a hike. An example of a non-judgmental response to shocking information might be something like, “This sounds difficult for you,” or, “I can see why you are upset.”

Second, understanding does not mean agreeing or approving. Even if you do approve, listening as a way to improve relations works best when neutral. Approval is such a tricky device. Praise and approval might feel calming in the moment, but they eventually can feel conditional and even scary to someone who is experiencing doubt. In your bestowing approval instead of just listening, an insecure person can be left with the haunting possibility that, as you approve, there will also times when you disapprove. Eventually, you will get to have your chance to respond, so for now don’t take sides for or against. Example of a neutral response: “It’s hard for me not to have an opinion here, but it’s your story, not mine, and whether or not I approve is not important.” Or, if you feel strongly that you have to agree or disagree, you might say something like, “I have some ideas about this but for now I just want to hear all of what you want to say. If you want my opinion, ask me afterward.”

Third, questions are for clarification not interrogation. Have you ever heard someone say, “Why did you do that?” and you knew they were not asking a question at all, but really saying, “You shouldn’t have done that”? Be sure that if you ask a question you are really asking something and not slipping in a statement or a demand in question form. The true spirit of questioning means you are trying to understand all the steps in the other person’s thinking and behaving. For example, you might ask, “How is it that you decided to do it that way?” This version may seem the same as the “why” question above, but in fact it sounds less threatening and more sincere. Once again, understanding is the goal.

Finally, fourth, listening for understanding includes a summing up or a subtle paraphrasing. Sometimes this means going just a step further than the speaker, and guessing a deeper meaning behind the words. If you guess correctly, the speaker feels honored, relieved, and trusting that you really do understand. If you are incorrect, and if you haven’t made too big of an assumption, the speaker will probably realize that you are trying to understand, and can elaborate further and clarify the meaning for both of you. Examples of paraphrasing might include, “It seems you are saying,” “Let me make sure I get this, you are saying…”

The attitude behind listening well includes one of wanting to help the other person clarify his or her best course. When others need validation for their feelings, or struggle with self-understanding or decision-making, or need help in expressing their thoughts and feelings, this kind of listening is a gentle aid. It helps people hear themselves and thus provides a self-correcting mechanism. Even when we are out of touch with our own answers, they are still there waiting to be tapped. When another person listens well, repeats back to us what we are saying, and generally encourages us to keep talking, something eventually resonates within. At that moment, we feel empowered, and grateful to the friend who so graciously allowed us some talking space. The interesting paradox about listening well is that after, the other person, who now feels accepted, safe, relaxed, and open, is usually very receptive to hearing what you also have to say. Now you can take sides, approve or disapprove, agree or disagree, or even offer a negative opinion without causing damage. Once people believe that they are truly understood, they are much more willing to hear another point of view.

On the other hand, there are occasions when listening this way simply is not the right approach. The kind of listening we have been talking about is designed for drawing out other people. But, there will be times when you think the other person has been drawn out a little too much already and it’s time for the communication to become more of a two-way affair. Or you may sometimes want to share your own viewpoint right away, without listening first. There will also be those occasions when you are just too tired or preoccupied to listen or when you are unable to be accepting, so that any attempt would just sound like an insincere gimmick. At such times it is better to just say that you are not able to listen now and then plan together a better time.

Also, you may sometimes realize that you are only listening to avoid having to talk about yourself or take a stand. Nothing is more disturbing to a person than to reveal highly personal thoughts and stories, and then get nothing personal in return. If you find yourself in any of these situations, it’s probably better not to try to listen in this four-part way. To draw another out only to offer a blank wall in return may feel like a betrayal. The key is to try to match the other person’s approach, maybe even asking at the beginning, “Is this a time you just want me to listen, or are you asking for my opinion?”

The dictionary defines ‘need’ as something required because it is essential, a basic necessity such as food, or anything else necessary to live a healthy life. In the best of worlds a person should not have to bargain for needs. In comparison, for the discussion below, something we ‘want’ out of pleasure or desire is not a life sustaining necessity. As the old song puts it, “the object of my affection” may be emotionally sustaining and thus life enhancing, but by definition the certainty and timing of its arrival and the level of achievement can be variable, maybe even a far-fetched dream.

Most of us enjoy getting what we want. But sometimes what we want is not the same as what other people want. When desires are at odds we may think that in all fairness we have to compromise. We each give up something in order to create a middle ground where at least some part of the wish list is realized. Sometimes compromises work because we realize that at least we are getting some approximation, but many times they just end up with no one feeling fully satisfied. Negotiation, on the other hand, is a dialog that considers all sides and keeps going until everyone feels satisfied. As you can probably guess, this is not necessarily a fast process. When quick decisions need to be made, such as in emergencies or by deadline, negotiation just won’t work as well as unilateral decision-making. Someone has to take control and literally steer in one direction or another. But some people get hooked on this kind of decision-making and don’t want to give it up when the emergency has passed. When others seem reluctant to fall into line, people who like to control often retaliate with statements such as, “You have a problem,” or “My way or the highway,” in order to win the round. Negotiators, on the other hand, look at the situation from everyone’s angle. In other words, “We have an issue at hand; let’s look at all the possibilities.”

Imagine that you are trying to make an important decision with a friend or immediate family about something that concerns each person. In a negotiation, everyone involved first analyzes the situation according to his or her own perception. Advantages and disadvantages, and costs and conveniences are considered, including finances and such intangibles as time, emotions, or privacy, for example. Each person makes a clear, direct statement about what he or she wants and how to go about getting it. But unlike a demand, everyone is offering information for discussion, seeking a better understanding. Ultimately, you still may not get your exact wish, but you will at least know that your ideas were clearly heard and considered.

So far in this negotiation scenario everyone is polite and cooperative. What is missing, of course, are the scenes of frustration, feelings of deprivation and betrayal, even distain and loneliness over the gaps between various desires. In order to end up in a true negotiation, hidden yet active attitudes and emotions must be addressed openly, and that takes time and patience. Some negotiations eventually account for each person’s desire, while others operate on the understanding that one person’s wishes will be met this time and the other person’s next time. In other words, the spirit of negotiation is that each person comes away satisfied at some point now or in the near future.

Imagine finding a way to meet halfway. This is not the same as the meeting halfway that means compromise. You each still have your own ideas, which still may be at odds. However, now, instead of declaring what you each want, you are asking each other to help in getting needs met. Nothing has changed, really. You still each want what you want. But now you are engaged in a spirit of helping each other accomplish those wants. Most people want to be helpful and find it much easier to support your point of view from this mutually beneficial position. If nothing else, at least your attitudes are softer and aligned. Often from this position, one or the other may conclude that he or she can step back this time, seeing how important this issue is to the other person. You both have the satisfaction of knowing that one of you has what he or she really wants, and that the other’s wishes will be equally considered on other occasions.

Imagine that you are no longer taking opposite stances at all. This is yet another version of negotiation, this time facing issues as a team rather than as individuals or opponents. Language changes from “I” and “you” to “we,” as in, “How shall we handle this situation?” Perhaps this sounds deceptively the same as the previous style of meeting halfway. However there is an important difference. The crucial point here is that no one claims ownership of any of the ideas, wants, or needs. Rather than “I want…” the team approaches each issue and claims it together. Of course, there will always be times when you independently want something and this style of negotiation would only sound like false pretense. In those cases, you can return to assertive or mutually helping styles. But, in cooperative relationships there will also be times when sharing in partnership becomes more important than holding on to one’s personal wants. This kind of sharing greatly enhances intimacy.

To defend oneself when under attack is considered the right of a free society. In American law even counter-attack is permitted under the guise of self-defense. Specifically, martial arts teachers tell us the first line of defense is to run away, to avoid fighting whenever possible. If avoidance is not possible, the next successive steps are first to disarm, then forcefully stop your opponent when disarming is not enough, and finally, when all else fails, to kill. Given this time-honored method, perhaps ingrained from ancient times, it stands to reason that such methods would apply in non-physical attacks as well, the kind we sometimes call personality clashes or character attacks. In fact, many times a verbal defense is upheld as the constructive and intelligent thing to do. Sometimes you must defend yourself to set the record straight and to correct inaccurate interpretations. An example might be public debates, which are designed to be calm and educational. Or, you may simply want to inform another about who you really are in any given moment, such as a person who might say, “I would never sanction cruelty to animals,” when defending eating meat. This kind of defense is straightforward and designed to educate without hostility.

But sometimes situations occur where simply offering a differing point of view is not effective, or leaves you feeling vulnerable, because you sense a personal attack coming from the other person. Perhaps you feel you are being unfairly judged, or the person is drawing negative conclusions that will eventually hurt you. To become defensive in such cases stems from the same motive as in physical attack, to protect, resist, or avoid. If the defensiveness works, then you have successfully avoided potential harm. However, defensiveness in the personal context usually only works temporarily at best because the cause of the attack is never addressed.

Imagine some typical defensive strategies: When someone criticizes, for example, you can create a diversion with unrelated excuses or problems, like the old ploy ‘the dog ate my homework.’ Or, better yet, you can turn the situation around so that someone else, maybe even the person speaking, gets the blame, as in, “It’s not my fault, you should have…” The resulting confusion should give you enough time to figure out other maneuvers in case the topic eventually comes back to you. You also can become intellectual and analytical, drawing on logic and rationalizations about extenuating circumstances to explain away the behavior in question. The other person may not only be awed by your intellectual superiority, they may actually forget — for a while — that you have failed to say anything related to your actual attitude or feelings. This is also a good time to throw in what’s called a false apology or false agreement, where you quickly acquiesce in order to stop the conversation, but don’t really mean what you say. It temporarily robs your opponent of his or her argument, but unfortunately doesn’t improve or change anything and eventually the issues arise again.

Another favorite for defense is denial, which can be as simple as refusing to admit to being a part of the problem, or as blatant as claiming there is no problem in the first place. Walking away from the conversation fits in here, including such variables as forgetting, falling asleep, getting drunk, changing the subject, daydreaming, reading, watching TV, reading text messages, etc. Guilt is a good defense, too. Some people have guilt down to an art form so that the other person ends up not only dropping the confrontation, but feels terrible for bringing it up at all. On a lighter side, joking your way out of a corner helps, at least until the other person stops laughing and realizes nothing has changed. When all else fails, and you still are determined not to have an honest and open encounter with the other person, you can make a direct counter attack, bringing up any and all smoldering grudges from the past and insulting the person where you know it will hurt the most.

To be fair, staying in control and feeling okay about oneself is what defensiveness is all about. Creating a defense when under attack is actually a survival skill that usually is successful at least partially in achieving what it intends, to protect the individual from feelings of hurt, anger, anxiety, and inadequacy. Often these skills are formed in early childhood. Consider, for example, the child who declares, “Not me!” when asked to admit to a current bad deed, or the toddler who bursts into tears and whimpers when caught in a forbidden act, or collapses into a temper tantrum when he or she does not get his way and perceives the parent as an enemy. Defensiveness, then, the way it is defined within the context of a relationship, is an old ploy, a learned technique that has worked so well in the past it has become an automatic protective habit. The problem is that in protecting the individual, the relationship is left exposed and at risk. If defensiveness is left unchecked, the heart of the partnership will eventually be sacrificed because defensive reactions keep the cycle of hurt going, allowing words to get out of control, and causing fights to last much longer. Defensive attacks and counter-attacks are a win/lose game, where the current winner feels clever and almost heroic while the loser feels resentful and unheard, making sure to keep at a distance in the future.

Once the automatic reaction becomes a habit, the prospect of facing a confrontation head on creates anxiety and feelings of powerlessness, thus reinforcing the need for avoidant behavior. Whether the attack is real or imagined, each use of a protective response confirms the need to remain on guard. In the most obvious reality, you may feel attacked when you truly are being ridiculed, insulted, accused, demeaned, or in any way treated in a mean-spirited manner. In other words, when someone is being mean to you, you may very likely get the point without too much internal debate. The other person is lashing out, you justifiably recognize the attack, and your recognition brings about the feeling of being emotionally assaulted.

However, we may also feel attacked when we believe we are being attacked, but the other person’s actions and intentions are really innocent. The other person does not realize he or she is in dangerous territory, but is merely making you the recipient of his or her judgments, interpretations, or firm opinions. In cases where your tender spots are so obvious to you, you cannot help but assume the other person is taking direct aim. Finally, we may feel attacked without anyone else doing anything in particular, just because we expect to be treated badly. All of these possibilities can produce the kind of instant defensive reactions that attempt to either run away or attack in return. Defensiveness becomes a kind of emotional Aikido, with the flexibility of side steps and diversions.

Of course, most of us would never deliberately choose behavior designed to eat away at our relationships. One step in breaking the defensiveness cycle is to recognize that a defensive reaction causes loss of balance and erodes trust. In order to really understand the difference, a person needs to practice with a trusted friend who will cooperate by not attacking or punishing. A beginning practice response might be to simply state how the situation feels on the inside, such as, “I’m in a turmoil right now,” or “I’m so upset, I don’t know what to say.” When the friend responds with empathy and kindness rather than digging in further, you can begin to see how a strong and loving partnership works. Both partners are working to uphold the other, not cause pain or distress. Once you can see the difference, it will be easier to take the risk of standing your ground without malice. Standing your ground non-defensively means allowing the other person to empty him or herself of whatever anger or resentment has built up without taking anything personally. In essence, you are saying, “You are angry with me. Tell me more about it. Tell me everything.” Thus you are building a bridge to mend the relationship rather than building a wall to keep the other person out. A non-defensive response is reminiscent of the New Testament admonition to turn the other cheek as if for a second assault, when what actually happens is that the angry person softens and becomes more reasonable. Typically, when the antagonist feels truly heard, he or she replaces further onslaught with a more sincere explanation of the problem.

A person who automatically becomes defensive will have to apply extra concentration in order to stop the reaction. A helpful and painless way to begin to change the defensive habit with behavior modification is to carry a small notebook and pencil. Place a mark in the notebook every time you react defensively. Don’t judge it or condemn yourself, simply note it. At the end of each day tally the number of marks. After several days you most likely will see a decline in your defensiveness due to your heightened awareness and concentration — not to mention a natural desire to want to win the notebook contest. Another method is to say out loud each time you become aware, “I’m getting defensive.” Usually, the announcement itself is enough to interrupt the pattern. The first few times may feel embarrassing, but embarrassment quickly passes when you experience the warm reception — even relief — this kind of announcement usually produces in the other person. Most people are grateful to move out of a reactive and into an interactive conversation once more.

One word of caution, however: These methods may only work well when the other person is also wanting to strengthen the relationship. If you find yourself continually attacked regardless of your good intentions and conversational skills, you may find you are dealing with someone who only wishes to tear down, to win at all costs. Some people become even more angry or withholding when their defensiveness is pointed out, because they perceive the observation as negative criticism rather than a helpful guideline. In such cases, if professional mediation is not possible, the best course may be to slip away with as much kindness as you can muster, and ultimately refuse the contact.

Finally, while it is personally expansive to monitor oneself for positive change, pointing out the other person’s defensive behavior and poor social skills may be intrusive and abrasive, instead of unifying and helpful. Abrupt and unilateral demands for change are often not received well. The unique combination of people in each relationship is always the ultimate guide to timing and exposure.

Voice tone can change the meaning of a word or sentence. What seems innocent in structure may actually harbor a hidden message in tone. The other person hears and responds to a tone that you may not even be aware is there. A harsh tone hiding behind neutral words allows the speaker to deny that any damage was intended, but the sting of sarcasm, ridicule, or anger is there anyway. Much of the time people are sincere when they say they mean not to hurt. They truly cannot hear the anger or hostility. Bringing a tape recorder to the next conversation may sound a bit drastic, but that may be all it takes for someone’s tone and intention to start to converge. Ultimately, your responsibility as speaker is to admit, at least to yourself, any negative feelings. Sarcasm, ridicule and anger show up even when we try to hide them. Denial compounds the problem because the other person not only detects the tone, he or she no longer can trust the speaker’s integrity.

While saying no to a request, for example, a warm and friendly tone of voice is helpful in conveying your good intentions. Offering a reason for your decision may soften the blow and make it easier for others to understand, however, you are never obliged to give an excuse. As a matter of fact, others sometimes may hear your explanation as an opportunity to reason with you and change your mind. Stating the reason for saying no may leave you feeling generous in providing an explanation, or the opposite, resentful, as if you are asking permission. When and to whom we give reasons for saying no is determined each time by the circumstances, for example the level of intimacy and one’s personal style.

How we use our eyes is an integral part of language. Looking at the other person is a necessary part of effective communication. Some people find that they look directly at another when they are speaking but not when listening, and for some others it is the reverse. While staring is not a good idea, at least an occasional meeting of the eyes implies interest, which makes the conversation much more satisfactory. Other elements of facial expression include an occasional nod, or smile — or even a raised eyebrow. And a well placed “hmmm” always helps to show the person that you are still listening. No one wants to converse with a blank, unreadable front. Use your eyes and face to convey interest, or even disagreement, if appropriate.

Physical distance and posture also play a role in communication. Distractions such as text messages or the infamous “multi-tasking” of listening while doing something else are not credible reflections of caring or intimacy. Attention, interest, and sincerity are more convincing through face-to-face encounters. If the conversation gets heated or feels emotionally uncomfortable, an automatic and natural defense might be to turn and even take a few steps away. The dilemma here is that while you have created a zone of comfort for yourself, the message you may be conveying to the speaker is one of impatience and disinterest. If the conversation is so threatening to you that you cannot face it head on, it might be best to call a time out. The other person may need to calm down and find more non-threatening ways to engage with you, and/or you may need to take a few breaths while coming to terms with your fears. People “read” you much more than they hear you, so facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice, and physical positioning all need to match the words we say.

Speaking directly, instead of indirectly, means saying what you mean. An indirect style attempts to avoid conflict by avoiding the point, or using words so euphemistically that interpretation is not clear. Sometimes we are embarrassed, or scared, or we feel uncomfortable asking outright for what we want, so we drop hints instead and hope the other person comprehends. One woman reported her hurt feelings that her husband did not recognize her inner turmoil and merely accepted her response of “nothing,” when he asked if something had upset her. She believed that he should automatically realize how she felt. As well as speaking in a ‘round-about’ way, the least effective and most frustrating thing is to say nothing at all and then wait for someone to read your mind. The other person should have known, we tell ourselves. But he or she didn’t and our silence didn’t help.

Direct language, saying what you mean without subterfuge, is most effective when you already know what you want or would like to happen before you even start the conversation. Knowing ahead helps keep focus and avoid misinterpretation. Most likely, though, many conversations are not so carefully crafted in advance. Directness sometimes may require a previous awareness of the direction you want the conversation to go. Speaking directly also requires courage because there is the greater chance you will be clearly understood and the other person won’t like what is heard. Furthermore, some cultures value harmony and peaceful encounters far more than clarity that may turn out to be abrasive. In instances where cultures clash, Americans often appear rude or domineering to people with other styles of communication. Ultimately, authentic communication is culturally based: a blend of awareness of self, the other, and personal integrity.

Hidden requests are another instance of indirect communication. One example is using a statement to ask a question. A person is curious about something and says, for example, “I see you have a …” in the hope the other person will explain the presence of the object. Perhaps the speaker feels a direct question is prying or too invasive. However, the point is that he or she commented anyway, so that the curiosity is still apparent, although not so obvious. If the other person is familiar with this style, most likely an explanation will be forthcoming. But if the hidden question is not recognized both sides may leave the conversation unsatisfied, considering the other person may wonder what the speaker’s intention was in pointing out the obvious.

On the other hand, some ask a question that sounds caring, but is really a false concern covering a hidden request or demand. An example might be, “Do you feel like…?” Even though we use the word “feel,” we really aren’t asking about someone’s feelings. Another version is in the pseudo question, such as, “Why don’t you…?” This is not really even a question, but a direction that implies that there is no good reason not to do as asked. The other person complies — often begrudgingly — to the kind sounding, but empty, words. These kinds of indirect messages are called unilateral, meaning only one person gets to make all the decisions. If you are not aware of the impact of indirect language, you will probably be surprised when the other person starts to feel manipulated and becomes angry. Examples of direct language: “Here’s a way you could help me. Would you please do….?” “I’d appreciate it if you would….” “This needs to be done. Will you do it?”

In cases of choosing direct versus indirect language, there are different right ways to communicate. Language is a culture’s best attempt to come together in understanding. Social values, such as practicing kindness, demonstrating intelligence, maintaining control, respecting privacy, or honoring social position, vary from culture to culture and even family to family. Feeling honest within one’s style and yet recognizing the need for different styles in certain situations is the heart of diplomacy. If you cultivate first the notion that mutual understanding is the goal and that mistakes and misinterpretations can be corrected, the words and style you use have the best chance of shining through.

Language is a powerful tool when used effectively, but, on many occasions, nothing can be more problematic than words. Once, while visiting a foreign country, I developed enough of an upset stomach to make  a visit to the town’s local doctor. As the taxi driver was returning me home, I realized I didn’t clearly understand the meaning of the doctor’s words. “What did he mean,” I asked the driver, “when he said to avoid meat for the next few days – chicken, too?” “Meat is meat,” he nodded emphatically, as if he had successfully  cleared up my confusion.

Most of the time we make ourselves fairly clear and most of the time we understand others fairly well. But then there are those times when we just can’t seem to get it right. For example, no matter what we say, the other person is offended, or hurt, or angry, and we are left muttering things like, “I was only trying to say…,” or, “I didn’t mean it that way.” Sometimes the reverse is true, as well. Even though the other person denies it, we know what we heard and what we heard is insulting, wounding, or maddening.

When accused that his almost constant cigar might be a phallic crutch, the famous psychiatrist, Sigmund Freud, contradicted his own theory and responded, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Just as with symbols, specific words have different meanings to different people. What one person hears may not be what the other person intends. After awhile, of course, couples and close friends develop a kind of code language, and many ambiguous words or phrases are correctly understood in the context of the relationship. The word “love,” for example, has many interpretations and is often used in code. For example, when one partner spontaneously calls to the other, “I love you,” the disguised intention may be a question, such as, “Is everything all right between us?” The tone of voice and quality of the corresponding, “I love you, too,” can be a sufficient answer in itself. But even if you are familiar with the codes, sometimes it is smart to double-check just in case this is one of those times the code doesn’t apply. In general, if you note any ambiguity or are left with any doubt, ask, perhaps even probing for substitute words that will add clarity.

Some conversations are demonstrations of the old saying: “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” Words such as “if,” and “try” may be a good choice when you are unsure and want to leave an opening, as in, “If I get done on time….” or “try to arrive on time.” However, in some circumstances, they may leave you sounding weak and unreliable even to yourself. Phrases that convey personal strength include, “I will… / I plan to…/ my intention is…/ I want to…/ I’m going to…” and “when it happens…” (instead of “if it happens.”)

Some people value assertive statements, such as, “I will be there on time,” as evidence of commitment and integrity, while others may be suspicious of too confident a stance that may prove to be a false promise if unexpected circumstances interfere. From these latter types of people you might hear something closer to the old country expression, “I’ll be there if the creeks don’t rise.” Choosing the best way to express oneself is often a trial and error blend of personal style, the needs of the listener, and a mutual understanding that develops over time.

Sometimes, especially in an argument, words can loom too large, such as,  “always,” or “never.” When others hear them, they usually pretty quickly can think of an exception. Then your real point gets missed in the debate about the timing and frequency of the infraction. Finding a reasonable middle between saying nothing and exaggerating can reduce a lot of unnecessary friction. A less argumentative approach might include such tempered words as, often, sometimes, frequently, infrequently, seldom, or not often. And the best approach would be to give specific examples without any vague or sweeping language at all.

We need to recognize the power or lack of power that certain words provide. When faced with the unpleasant task of having to say no to someone who is counting on a “yes,” we may try to soften the blow by diminishing our role in the ‘no,’ as in, “I wish I could, but I can’t,”. This tactic may succeed in letting you off the hook, but if used too often, you may begin to feel and look like a victim buffeted about by out of control circumstances, or that you can only avoid situations by manipulating or lying. In addition, the person with the request may begin to think of you as someone incapable of strength of will. A simple practice experiment might be to substitute any sentence where you might usually say, “I can’t,” with the stronger “I have decided not to…” or even, “I’m not going to….” just to see if you experience an internal shift in self-concept.

Another example of troublesome language is “should.” Of course, there are many valid obligations in our lives, such as childcare, or even safeguarding personal health, obligations that take on a kind of moral duty. But the word itself is the problem, not the actual obligation. When confronted with so many things a person should do, rather than wants to do, he or she may feel trapped in a bullying approach to life. If the situation in question truly warrants a call to duty and responsibility, try to break down the task into small manageable pieces and try to find something pleasant about each step. For example, you should pay rent in a timely manner. Perhaps in meeting this obligation, you can choose your favorite pen to write the check, and choose your favorite mug to sip your favorite beverage. It sounds ridiculously small, but in each step you are saying that you are in charge, and that’s empowering. When we enjoy what we do, we usually feel good about ourselves and are more likely to have successful interactions. In general, continually saying, “I should….” or “You should…” results in feeling pressured, trapped, victimized, bullied, or resentful. Making the chore or duty a choice by creating manageable small steps, or saying, “I choose to do this at this time,” results in feeling in control, empowered, at peace with the chore, confident about your ability.

Perhaps the most problematic little word is “but.” We tend to use it as a connector between a complimentary phrase and a critical one, thus canceling out the compliment, as in, “I care about you, but…” A simple solution is this:  either break the connection between the two sentences altogether — first compliment, then pause, then bring up what’s bothering you — or, use the word “and” instead. “I care about you, and this is what’s bothering me,” is much more inviting and implies that what you say next is because you care, not in spite of it.

Effective language involves saying what you really mean in a way that can be heard. Let’s say you are angry, or hurt, for example, and want to share this part of yourself with your partner. Typically, we say, “You make me mad.” In other words, “you are in control of my mood.” One story tells of two associates who stop at a local newsstand every day on their way to work. The vendor is surly and irritable, but each time, the one man smiles and wishes him a pleasant day, while the other man takes on the bad attitude of the vendor. After several days the offended man questions his friend, “That guy always manages to ruin my day, why do you always treat him so nicely?” The other responds, “Why should I let him be in charge of how I feel?” When we lead with “You make me…” we have put the other person in charge. What the other person most likely hears is the blame, which feels like an attack. There is nowhere to go when blamed except to retreat, defend, and/or possibly counter attack. Taking responsibility for your own reactions would lead you to say, “I’m mad,” thus, hopefully, opening up a dialog for understanding. When you keep it personal and say, “I am (insert the feeling you want to express),” you still get to be mad or hurt, and the other person has a better chance of hearing what you have to say. Since many people view anger as a toxic substance, any amount of room to breathe is appreciated.

What could be a better gift than advice? A worried and confused person tells you about a problem or a complaint. You listen until you see a solution, and then you respond with the best course of action. Your advice in response to the other person’s spoken need is timely and helpful. Or so it would seem. But often when people point to an area and say they want some changes, there is a chance that they are in the early process of thinking out loud, trying out ideas, maybe just wanting to complain a while before they actually take any action. Not that one doesn’t need or want advice — often it’s a welcome relief to a difficult predicament — but timing is the issue here.

Other than wanting your advice, there are several reasons people might tell you about their problems. They may be simply trying to make a human connection without really wanting an answer at all. Regardless of how helpless or confused people seem at these times, they may only want to hear themselves talk — not listen to anybody else’s opinion.  Or, they may simply be asking for confirmation that they really do have a problem, rather than trying to solve it. Advice given too soon feels interruptive and shocking. Sometimes people even become insulted, as if you have implied that they are incapable of solving the problem on their own. Of course, there are those times when we really do think the other person is incompetent. We feel important and needed and giving advice lifts our self esteem. We like to be in control. Or, we simply want to send a message that complaining is not okay and we will put an end to it right away. Sometimes we even give advice when no one has asked for it.

So there you are, seeing the other person’s negative reaction to your advice and feeling pretty foolish for misreading the whole situation. The other person is angry, or worse yet, hurt. You were only trying to be helpful, you say to yourself. What could possibly have gone wrong? For one thing, sometimes when people complain, they secretly feel (or hope) that they are exaggerating. Your agreement that there is truly a problem and your ready solution appears to them as if you are saying you think there is indeed something wrong with them, and, furthermore, you don’t accept them the way they are. They are often shocked out of their temporary self-sorrow and downright insulted by your suggestions for change. Or the fact that you skipped a few moments of empathizing and sympathizing and jumped right into problem-solving, causes them to believe that you think of yourself as the better, smarter person. In the end, you both end up feeling attacked.

However, even though the other person may not follow your advice, the act of getting advice can be extremely helpful. Sometimes your ideas can generate other solutions that someone can customize to suit his or her style and needs. The best help, therefore, is first to ask if some ideas on your part would be welcome. For example, you might begin with, “Is this one of those times you would rather I just listen, or are you asking for my input?”

Once it is clearly established that your ideas are wanted, the next step is to offer suggestions rather than advice. Brainstorming together is a good idea when you want to avoid the “you think you are better than me” accusation. Ask questions, such as, “What do you think about this?” or “How do you think it would be for you if….?” and really listen to the answers. You will be building intimacy while solving problems at the same time.

If you sense that someone is truly not asking for an immediate piece of advice, the best thing is to ask what he or she hopes will come of the conversation. Usually people know what they want to happen before they even begin. Responses other than giving advice that may or may not be appreciated include listening without interrupting, offering sympathy (Oh, that must be so hard”), simply agreeing that there really is a problem (“No kidding, you really do have a mess on your hands”), dismissing the problem altogether (“This will look a lot better after you sleep on it”), or minimizing the problem (“It could be a lot worse…”), and empathizing (reflective listening, for example). Listening carefully first and empathizing by checking in with the person to make sure that you really understand what is being said are excellent bridges to an eventual timely offering of suggestions and advice. Once people feel heard and understood, they usually feel safe and ready to hear what you have to say.

Finally, and perhaps the most important part: One of the problems with advice is that it often produces an unspoken result. The person receiving the advice fears you will be hurt if your advice is not taken, or that if you go to the time and trouble to outline a response, you are expecting it to be followed. He or she may become angry due to the sense of obligation about following your prescription. It’s helpful in those moments if the person could say something like, “I may not end up doing this exactly, but I really appreciate what you are telling me. I will add it to all the other possibilities.” Even if the other person doesn’t actually make such a statement, you are wise to “hear” him or her saying it in your head, and for you to say the equivalent out loud as a reminder to you both.

No matter how perceptive and insightful your suggestions are, you can be most helpful when you are prepared that ultimately they may be completely disregarded, or only halfheartedly tried, or only partially taken. In the moment, the person may feel relief and gratitude to be presented with such a practical solution, only to later “forget,” or discover he or she simply is not ready to follow through. The other person’s achievement or lack of success is no reflection on you or your good advice. You are merely a signpost on the road, or maybe the current mode of transportation – the responsibility and motivation for problem solving lies within the person.

Creating a lively and satisfying relationship requires cultivating cooperation, communication, respect, and love in the same way you cultivate a garden — carefully, patiently, and with considerable effort at times. Gardens keep calling us back because they are beautiful, but also because they keep changing — growing wildly at times. They make us pay attention the same way a lively romance does. Keeping your relationship feeling fresh and colorful is a highly individual endeavor and the methods you use will need changing and revitalizing from time to time.

One of the most straightforward ways to change the pace of everyday life is to literally change the scene through a holiday or vacation. Sometimes, believe it or not, the vacation may even be one away from each other. Both vacations together and apart can be nourishing depending on timing and the individuals involved. A mini vacation might be as simple as a drive in the country, dinner out at a new or favorite restaurant, or maybe a picnic with real dishes, glasses, silverware, and cloth napkins. While for some people the cost of the event may play a part in what makes it special, the actual effort expended, such as preparing a special dinner at home, perhaps with a decorated theme, may be the real gift for some.

Another successful behavior is to give a gift from time to time for no particular reason. Gifts can be wrapped or unwrapped, expensive or not, practical or useless, meaningful or just funny, purchased or hand-made. Examples of traditional gifts include flowers, or one flower, a carefully picked handful of wildflowers or even sheaves of grain, or perhaps a potted plant or sapling that you both plant together. Less traditional gifts might include a drawing, a poem or song you write or find and maybe record, something sewn or built by hand, or even doing a chore the other person normally does. The pleasure of the moment can be enhanced with a scavenger or treasure map leading the person to your special gift. Another way to enliven and prolong the gifting moment is a game of draw with a variety of gifts available to choose.

Variety is of course important, however the real gift is the time and energy it takes to think of it in the first place. A fun game to play is for each person to think of all the possible gifts each might give and to write each one on a separate piece of paper. From time to time, especially when someone is feeling low, hold a drawing. The result can be a gift you really will give, or just one you wish you could give if you had the means. Many people believe hand-made gifts are the best because they are original, and are made with loving intentions. Others are captivated with some commercial item. With gift giving you can have fun and be creative.

And finally, or rather, in addition, saying something positive about the person is a special gift in itself. Sometimes even more profoundly received is to say something positive about the person to someone else within that person’s hearing. It becomes harder for a person to believe you are merely flattering when you are heard saying the words indirectly. The dictionary defines ‘gift’ as a thing given willingly to someone without payment. The gifts given in a loving relationship are extended beyond the dictionary definition to include: given with thoughtful intention, without obligation, and without expectation on the recipient’s part. In other words, gifts of the heart.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, you end up on the receiving end of criticism. Being criticized is not a pleasant experience. The emotions called up may make you want to run away, stay away, or turn around and fight. But, for your own peace of mind, it is important to remember that this disturbing moment of being exposed and even labeled is sometimes an inevitable part of the on-going process of maintaining a relationship. The key to a healthy and stable relationship is not in measuring how seldom annoyances occur, but in how they are handled when they do occur.

Almost all relationships have to deal with critical moments at times. Of course, there are mannerly and ideal ways to approach the issues, but in some cases the person who calls the problem loses sight of the ideal. The best possible situation in receiving criticism is to have first introduced the other person to the constructive steps involved in giving criticism. However, even with the best intentions, people don’t always follow the blueprints they are given. If sufficiently upset, a person may blame, label, insult, and generally break all the rules, either inadvertently or with intention. When people become angry with you, and stay angry for extended periods, claiming that you are the cause of their anger, they are actually reacting to something within themselves. Certainly there are actions in life that cause irritation. However reasonable anger shoots up only momentarily (minutes at most) and then subsides into some version of problem solving. You are not responsible for another person’s protracted anger. Your responsibility is to recognize the intention behind your actions, and honestly assess when your intention was to cause a negative reaction in the other person. Are you deliberately jabbing, digging, or hurting? Then, yes, you have caused a reaction. Otherwise, any guilt you feel does not help the other person to gain clearer perception, and only undermines your ability to stand as an equal in the relationship. Preserving a relationship when you are under heated attack, means your first objective is to protect yourself by helping the other person calm down. And, after gently reminding him or her of how difficult it is for you to hear when feeling blamed, the fastest way to calm another is to listen with the intention of trying to understand.

However, even with your best efforts as outlined below, if the other person is not returning to a more workable level, you may need to take some time-out in order not to get emotionally caught up in the tirade. Some people are not able to remain calm once they tap into their deeper anger, or have never developed the skill it takes to negotiate their own darker emotions, and some have serious, even dangerous, personality problems that need to be addressed in more professional settings. Listening with the intention to understand is not going to be mutually effective where patterns of abuse or lack of empathy are already established. Furthermore, anytime psychological or physical threat is part of the encounter, you need to remove yourself immediately. The following suggestions and guidelines assume that the criticizing person and the target of the criticism both hold the other’s welfare at heart.

The overall goal is to diminish the heat and the sting of the criticism without losing sight of the content. At first, if at all possible, don’t interrupt, unless perhaps there is a need to find a more suitable place to carry on the discussion. Let the person express him or herself while you take in the message. However, merely remaining calm and undiminished by the negativity is not enough. Mute attendance or unresponsive silence often comes across as indifference or assumed superiority on your part, and may actually fan the flames of criticism. The reason the person is upset about the issue is because he or she feels unheard or ignored. People often raise their voices or repeat themselves because they think the other person isn’t getting the point. Listening actively, with the intention of wanting to understand, requires non-combative, even warm, eye contact, responsive facial expressions and gestures, such as nods or shrugs, and occasional verbal prompts, such as “I get it,” “Hmn,” or an occasional clarifying question. When people really believe they have been heard and understood, they almost always return to a more reasonable stance.

Ask for specific examples rather than categorically denying the accusation. Asking for specifics can be scary the first few times you try it, so it may take a concentrated effort to actually listen to the details. Defending ourselves by denying the charges feels right and comfortable compared to the non-interruption rule. But denial, which is defensiveness, only keeps the problem unsolved. Asking for specifics helps you to understand the whole picture and helps others to believe that you really do care about what they are feeling and thinking. Later, after you are seen to clearly understand the details, you will be able to explain your side of the story to a much more receptive audience.

Don’t use the person’s critical remark as a confirmation that it is all right for you to respond with an equally critical response. Avoid making a counter-attack. The old adage “two wrongs don’t make a right,” really applies here. The last thing you want to do is escalate unnecessary anger. Countering each accusation with a cross-complaint of your own, such as, “Me? What about the time you…” leads to escalation with each complaint getting worse than the previous one. Keep calm, breathe slowly, maybe even count the next ten slow breaths, anything to keep your inner churning to a minimum. Your reaction at this moment may be the difference between beginning to come together or moving further apart.

Instead of defending yourself at this point, paraphrase, or try to sum up the other person’s ideas to show that you understand. Paraphrasing is not mimicking or simply repeating. Rather, it is a conscientious effort to say the same thing in a slightly different way. “In other words,” you might begin. First, you are making sure that you really do understand exactly what the other person is trying to get across. If you fully understand, then you are better able to respond. Second, the other person sees that you are really trying to understand, which is like a gift. It is difficult to aim anger and resentment when the target is on the same side. Understanding softens people. Third, if you are inaccurate in your summation, the person has the chance to correct you and clarify the point, which makes negotiation that much easier.

In some cases, this might be a good time to take notes. If what the person wants to tell you is complicated or involves many details, taking notes will help you to remember everything when it’s your turn to speak. Even though it may feel and look a little strange, pausing to draw out a pencil and paper gives you some breathing room and makes the other person slow down. The overall message you are sending is that the information is important and you don’t want to miss anything.

In order to figure out what behavior to change, or if you have to change anything at all, you will need to assess the potential damage. Find out the consequences of your continuing to behave in the way that the other person is now criticizing. You both may discover that just in the process of your trying to understand, the original problem fades away. Or, you may discover that this behavior that you find so innocent could do serious damage to your relationship if left unchecked. Knowing the potential consequences will help you in making plans and decisions that further your relationship in the future.

Thank the person for bringing their feelings and thoughts to your attention. This may seem strange, especially if you feel that a load of garbage has been dumped right in the middle of your nice life. But wouldn’t you want to know now, when the problem is manageable, rather than suffer a lot more grief after it’s gone too far? Thank the person for trying, even if in a confusing, emotion-laden, or clumsy way, to mend the relationship and keep the communication lines open.

That old expression about the pot calling the kettle black is usually more true than we like to think. In many families, some protective elder manages to warn at some point, “If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all.” On the other hand, another good piece of advice is to “not stuff it,” not to push down your emotions, because suppressed anger because will rise up eventually anyway, and when it finally rises, it is usually much more explosive than the original feelings. So, how does one juggle these two contradictory maxims in maintaining a long lasting relationship?

Sometimes we must speak up. Whether the issue is about how one squeezes the toothpaste tube, or about much more serious matters, we reach a point where we cannot remain silent and continue to peacefully coexist. Certain behaviors must change in order to make the relationship a workable one. When this is the case, the first step is simply to ask the person to change. Easy — just say, “Instead of doing that, would you do this?” The surprise is that often that’s all it takes.

Or, if you think that the person has something invested in the way he or she is currently behaving, and that to ask for change may be hurtful or feel insulting, then the second approach is to ask, “What would it be like for you, if you were to do this instead of that?” The key here is to ask from a genuine place of wanting to know how certain changes might affect him/her. This is not a trick question. According to the answer, you will have a better idea as to what to do next.

Simple. You can ask for change directly. But maybe not so simple if the other person tends to react defensively, or assumes your request is coming from malice or a power play. In order to comment about another without too much fall-out, the first step is to understand the nature of criticism. First of all, the word “criticize” altogether has a nasty ring to it. Try for something more neutral and less threatening, such as, “making constructive comments.” Using different language may seem like subterfuge, but the change of words can serve as reminders about your sincere intentions. When the need arises to make constructive comments, always remember that the primary purpose of the comment is to solve a problem, not to hurt someone. Once the other person understands that you are trying to shore up the relationship, not tear it down, he or she will be more receptive to what you have to say.

Sometimes we get carried away. Once we know we have the other person’s attention, we figure we’d better get in as much as we can. Or, the freedom of finally saying what has been bottled up inside is so exhilarating that we just keep going. Rather than bringing up a long list of past wrongs, try to make your points one conversation at a time, at least until the other person shows enough trust and relaxation to go on. Too many issues at once can cause someone to feel hopeless. People can only sustain a sense of failure for so long before they walk away altogether or turn the blame back on the attacker.

Change is going to depend on the other person really understanding what it is you are saying. It may feel great to vent for the purpose of letting off steam, however venting alone will do little to further the relationship. Avoid vague insinuations or ambiguous statements such as, “there you go again,” or “you always do that,” or “this has to stop.” Make your language as specific as possible. Define in clear nouns and verbs such vague phases as “this, that, it.” Specific language takes a lot of practice. While we often think what we are saying is perfectly clear the other person’s interpretation is often different enough to cause miscommunication. When someone claims the offending person already “knows” just by association, it’s a good bet that confusion and misunderstanding is at play.

Remain as realistic as possible, even if it means rehearsing the conversation ahead of time. Don’t exaggerate. Exaggerations such as “never” and “always,” are rarely accurate, and cause you to appear dishonest. While the person defensively thinks of exceptions the real point has been missed.

Reframe your words to say what you mean without sounding mean-spirited. Examples might include changing  “pushy or bitchy” to “assertive,” or “lazy” to “unmotivated.” The goal is not so much to soften the blow, as to getting the person to hear you without losing contact through defensiveness. Don’t use insulting language, negative labels, or sarcasm. Sometimes we think sarcasm is funny and if the other person doesn’t laugh it’s simply because they don’t have an advanced sense of humor. The rule of thumb:  sarcasm during an argument or painful encounter (and many other times, too) will hurt no matter what are your intentions. The primary purpose of constructive comments is to solve a problem, not to hurt someone.

Watch your tone of voice. No matter how innocent your words are, with a negative tone of voice the other person is always alerted. Without even realizing they do it, people listen for non-verbal clues. Keep your voice tone neutral, if not kind and loving. This would be a good time to gently hold the other person’s hand, if your relationship warrants such affection, or at least briefly touch the person in some way to silently affirm that you are still present in spirit and not trying to destroy the good feelings you share.

Accompany your constructive comments by specific suggestions for behavioral change. Try to give concrete, detailed examples of what you need changed. In that way the other person has a clear idea if he or she will be able or willing to comply. If not, it’s better to know right away than to create a false agreement that will only lead to disappointment in the future. It’s important to know that asking for what you need is reasonable and necessary, but expecting to be given exactly what you ask for is a demand and not reasonable. If others can and will change in just the way you ask, wonderful. If they cannot or will not meet your demands, that’s wonderful, too, because now you know where you stand. Further negotiations are possible.

Avoid making constructive comments in every conversation or encounter. If you critically approach others too often, they will regard you as a fault finder or develop a defensive attitude in your presence. General rule: Praise as much, or more, as you criticize. At least an equal (if not twice as much) amount of genuine praise needs to be expended for every constructive comment.

Some people believe so strongly in what they are saying, they feel they have not been truly heard until the listener agrees with them. In order to maintain his or her stance, the speaker listens to the other perspective only to collect information to counter. Eventually the conversation turns to argument or unfriendly impasse. While the goal of convincing others can be a worthy one in some circumstances, it need not be the only way to express oneself. When we are understood, even if other people don’t agree with what they are hearing, we have the satisfaction of knowing that we have clearly communicated and have been clearly heard.

Surprisingly, clear and effective communication is made up of just a few simple parts. Sometimes all the parts must be in use in order to make the communication work, sometimes only a few are needed, and sometimes all are used but spread over several conversations. Ultimately, however, it is the combination of the parts that makes the communication work so well, not just good intentions, or well chosen words. Of course, when things are going well and you want to communicate happiness or love, maybe only a look or a brief expression is needed. The method described below is used for the more difficult times, for example when you need to tell others about behaviors of theirs that really bother you.

The first step is to be sure you are describing what you think are the facts of the situation. There will plenty of room later in the conversation for your opinions, interpretation, and evaluation. Facts are straightforward, concrete events that you have observed, without any interjection of what you think those facts mean, what the motives of the other person might be, or whether you think they are right or wrong. Remember to keep your voice tone and body language as neutral or non-judgmental as possible. Examples of factual communication: “You said you would be here by 9:00 and instead it’s 9:45.” “When you talk to me your voice gets louder and louder.” “I was talking to you and you walked out of the room without saying anything.”

By stating the facts so specifically, you are making sure the other person knows exactly what you are talking about. Imagine if someone told you there were strange noises in the house. Vague words like “strange” are a clue, but simply do not give you enough information. Factual language will help you know whether to check for leaky pipes, call an exterminator, or call the police. Conversely, when others approach you with something bothering them, it is fair to gently stop the flow and ask first for specifics so that you are sure you understand their references exactly. Sometimes, the mere act of pointing out the troubling behavior is enough to change the situation, although this is not often the case.

The second step, once you are sure the other person understands you, is to explain why this situation is a problem. Chances are the other person is truly not aware that what he or she is doing is troublesome. At this point you may want to add your feelings and/or interpretation of the other person’s motives or behavior if your perception is part of what’s bothering you. Since this person is not an enemy, but part of a relationship both of you have chosen, there is a good chance that once the problem is explained, the situation can be modified to everyone’s satisfaction. On the other hand, your interpretation may only be one of many possibilities and at this point the other person can alert you to an alternative version, which may be much more innocent or well-intended than you imagined. In either case — whether you relax in the discovery that you had misinterpreted, or, others awaken to the negative effect of their behavior — often these two simple parts, being factually specific and explaining why there is a problem, are all that are needed to begin the process of change. Examples of explaining why the situation or behavior is a problem: “Everyone’s schedule is disrupted when you are later than expected.” “I can’t hear what you are trying to tell me when I feel that you are yelling at me.” “I’m hurt to think that you would walk away without hearing what I have to say.”

On the other hand, sometimes the problem is not solved so neatly and a few more steps are needed. At this point, state as clearly as possible what you want to happen next. Next may be something as simple as an agreement to continue talking at another time, or as firm as a request for change. Depending on the circumstances, when you request change it is usually good to also tell what you hope to see, or how you wish the other person to proceed. Others, in turn, can then agree or let you know what they are willing or not willing to do. The point here is that you are engaged in negotiations rather than making demands. Examples of stating what you want to happen next: “If you can’t arrive on time, will you call me and let me know?” “When your voice starts to get louder, I would like to touch your arm or make a signal between us to help you remember to keep it down.” “If you need to walk away when I am talking, would you just say something to let me know how you feel about what I just said?”

At this point it is important to ask for feedback, unless, of course, the other person has already demonstrated that they clearly understand what you are saying. Many times we believe that others understand, only to later discover that they were confused about the message. Asking for feedback is not simply saying, “Do you understand?” or “Do you know what I mean?” Both questions only require a “yes or no.” If you are lucky enough to get a “no,” you can explain further or ask what part wasn’t clear. However, many people answer “yes” because they either think they understand when actually they don’t, or they are too embarrassed, intimidated, or indifferent to go any further with the conversation. The smart thing to do is to ask the person to tell you what he or she thinks you said, or to ask a question that requires a more in-depth answer. Examples of asking for feedback: “So how soon before you come do you think you can let me know you’ll be late?” “Just to be sure, what do you think I meant when I said that your voice tone upsets me?” “I need to know that I haven’t just forced an agreement on both of us. What do you think you just agreed to?”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this were the end of the problem? People who have developed the spirit of cooperation often find that from here they are well on their way to not only solving the problem but also favorably changing conditions for future encounters. But sometimes even this is not enough. If your agreements are not met or if reasonable changes do not occur after a reasonable period of time — which is determined by the nature of the particular problem or issue — then you may have to repeat the above steps. There may be lots of reasons for people not following through, such as forgetting, losing track of time, getting confused, or thinking they have actually fulfilled their half of the agreement. Of course, there is also the unsettling possibility that they made an agreement they had no intention of keeping, but you won’t know this until you double check. Example of double-checking: “Remember that talk we had last week? What was your understanding about our agreement?”

By now intimacy is flowing even if nothing else has changed. Sometimes the very thing that was bothering us melts away as the conversation about it starts to flow. But sometimes not. When nothing seems to be changing even after numerous conversations, there is one final step. Ask yourself, what happens now, what will I do next, how will I end up feeling? Then explain the events that probably will follow if the situation continues to remain unchecked. Sometimes people act out of habit and fail to see any harm in doing what they’ve always done. But when the potentially dangerous or negative consequences of things not changing are clearly spelled out, people often get the full picture and work for mutually happier conditions. As long as your statement of possible consequences is not a threat, demand, or ultimatum, it is also a way of educating the other person as to who you are and how you react. Examples of explaining the consequences: “If you haven’t called and you’re late, I’ll figure you’re not coming after 20 minutes and I’ll leave. We can reschedule later.” “It’s not good for us to continue talking when we are yelling, so if either one of us is too upset to calm down, we’ll call a time-out and pick it up again when we are calmer. I’ll check in with you after about half an hour and see if we want to continue our talk.” “If you walk away without giving me a signal that everything is OK, I’ll figure that you are upset. It will be hard to do, but I’ll wait until you tell me you are ready to talk.”

Clarity in Communication

1. Describe the facts of the situation: Not opinions, evaluations, judgements of right or wrong. Keep voice and body neutral, non-judgemental, non-threatening.

2. Explain why this situation is a problem: OK to add your feelings and interpretation of the situation. Be open to hearing alternative interpretations.

3. State what you want to happen next: Listen to the other person’s wishes also.

4. Ask for feedback: Don’t say, “do you understand or do you know what I mean?” Ask the other person to explain what was heard.

5. Repeat previous steps as needed: Look for and honor small increments of change.

6. Explain potential consequences: Avoid threats, demands, ultimatums. Be able and willing to follow through if necessary.